A girl named Anck
by RedLady
Summary: What kind of stuff will happen when the characters of this story all have a curtain call and a party afterward? Surprise 30th chapter! Thanks for reading. : )
1. You love me?

A spoof of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns  
  
Author's Note: Who here thinks that the relationship between Imhotep and Anck-su-namun is a little strange? I do! I know I messed up the facts and such to the "real story", but I just couldn't resist posting this. You wanna flame me, fine. But in some parts I believe this story is actually funny. This story is written strictly to entertain you.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. No characters in this story are mine. I probably don't even get credit for the stupid guards.  
  
A Girl Named Anck  
  
  
Chapter 1: You love me!  
  
There was once a pharaoh in Egypt. Obviously. And being a man he thought it would be best to take on a lot of woman as his prostitutes. One of these prostitutes (the pharaoh's favorite) was named something like Anck-su-numum. But since we think that name is too long we'll just call her Anck for short.  
  
Well it all started on day when she realized she loved this high priest guy named Imhotep. It happened one day when she was in her room alone with him, a sin in itself. He held her in his arms and said "Anck, I love you."  
  
She looked up surprised. She thought their little romance was just to sidetrack them from their troubles. After all, she was sort of a loose girl being the prostitute of the pharaoh and all. She never imagined that he actually truly loved her. They barely knew each other for one thing.  
  
"You love me?" She asked with a strained voice.  
  
"Yes. I love you." He said as he held her in his arms.  
  
"You love me?" she said again still not convinced.  
  
"Yes. Anck. I love you."  
  
"Really?" She asked.  
  
"Really." He said reassuringly.  
  
"Really, really."  
  
He looked at her strangely before saying "Really, really."  
  
She yelped for joy and hugged him excitably.  
  
He hugged her back confused yet happy. It was in that moment that she realized the she loved Imhotep too. She didn't really know if it was love but she did care for him a whole bunch. In fact she would have even killed herself for him. Which she did but don't let me get too far ahead of myself.  
  
"I love you too, Imhotep." she said earnestly.  
  
"Then will you meet with me tonight, right before the pharaoh comes into your room, help me kill him, then kill yourself so that I can bring your body to Hamanatra and resurrect you so that we may rule the world together." He said all in one breath.  
  
"Yes." she said breathlessly without a hesitation. Like I already said, she loved this guy and would kill herself for him. And she did. But again I am getting to far ahead of myself.  
  
  
  
[Wait! Don't go! There's more and it gets better and better!] 


	2. Just let me kill myself in peace!

Don't ask me where I come up with this stuff. As I look back I realize how strange this story is. Well enjoy it anyway.  
  
  
  
Chapter 2: Just let me kill myself in peace!  
  
That night she found some coal and drew all over herself with it and then put some fishnets on her more private areas. For it was the custom to dress like this when you were the pharaoh's prostitute. She had started the trend herself. Unfortunately no one had decided to follow it yet. But it was just a matter of time.   
  
And then he came. It was Imhotep with two daggers. One for her and one for himself and then she remembered their plan.   
  
"Let me kiss you." Imhotep said. He thought the whole coal thing made her look sexy.  
  
"But the what if the pharaoh walks in?"  
  
"But I love you." he pleaded.  
  
She drew her hand up to his face. He had some dirt on his face and she wanted to wipe it off for him. He took it as a sign that she wanted him to kiss her and so he did. She didn't resist of course. She was a loose girl and besides she loved him. Unfortunately and not meaning too, Imhotep accidentally smeared the coal on her arm messing it up. They both didn't notice and they both didn't really care. Only the pharaoh cared and he would be dead soon anyway.  
  
Then they heard a noise and Imhotep ran.   
  
"Go." she called after him. "Only you can resurrect me." Saying those words made her feel better. She was sort of nervous about the whole killing herself thing. Not nervous about killing the pharaoh just the killing herself part.  
  
But Imhotep was already long gone so he didn't hear her.  
  
The pharaoh walked in angry. He seemed to know something was up. He looked right at the coal smeared on her arm and said "Someone has touched you." which was really no surprise to him because he had suspected all along that she was a loose girl and found other male company. She looked at him surprised and speechless. What should she say?  
  
  
They stood there in an awkward silence for about a minute till finally Imhotep came back and stabbed the pharaoh in the back. "Sorry. I forgot my cue." Imhotep said as he continued to stab at the pharaoh.  
  
"Imhotep? The priest? What are you doing here?" the pharoah asked in astonishment and in between each stab made by Imhotep.   
  
"I was the one who touched Anck."  
  
"Did you say you were sorry?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I mean, oh I get it. You and Anck have been getting it on behind my back. I guess that explains why you are stabbing me."  
  
"That's right!" Anck said. "I love him!"   
  
"You love him?" The pharaoh asked disbelieving.  
  
"Yes. I love him."  
  
"You love him?!" the pharaoh said still disbelieving.  
  
"Yes. I love Imhotep."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes really."  
  
"Really, really?"  
  
She sighed and said "Really, really."  
  
"Oh." the pharaoh said. "I never would have guessed." And with that she stabbed the pharaoh about 80 times till he finally fell down dead. Hey he worked out. He had strong muscles. Besides he was wearing armor with they had to stab through till they finally got through to his flesh.  
  
Imhotep ran, again.  
  
Then the guards walked in 30 minutes later. When they saw the pharaoh laying there dead and Anck covered in blood they said "Who did this?"  
  
"I did you imbeciles! I killed him."  
  
  
"Oh. What did he do that was so bad that you had to go kill him!" One of the guards asked.  
  
Anck had a speech in her head before the guards had walked in but now she couldn't remember it.  
  
"I will no longer be used as his toilet!" she said after a minute of thinking of what to say.  
  
"What did he do, pee on you? That's no reason to kill a guy."  
  
Anck yelled "Shut up! I have to kill myself!"  
  
The guards watched in curiosity as Anck raised the dagger high and stabbed it into herself. "Ow!" she whined. "That hurt."  
  
"Are you Ok?" One of the guards asked. "Should we get a Doctor?"  
  
"I just killed myself dummy." She yelled.  
  
"You don't look dead too me."  
  
"Well I'm about to be." She said as she stumbled onto the floor.  
  
"Now let me kill myself in peace."  
  
"You sure you don't need any help. I mean I'm definitely skilled at killing people." A guard said.  
  
"And I was in a war!" Another offered.  
  
"Just go away!" Anck yelled. "I think I can do this by myself."  
  
And with he head dropped to the ground and she said no more, because you see, she was dead. Obviously.  
  
"Anck?" one of the guards said hitting her with his foot. "Are you still alive?"  
  
"No. I'm dead!" A voice said from no where.  
  
"Oh. Did you want to be buried in cream or purple?"  
  
There was no answer as Anck's soul had left and gone to Hamanatra, City of the Dead.  
  
  
  
  
[Think that was funny? I do. I'm still laughing. Anyway. Read the next part.] 


	3. The Alphabet.

Chapter 3: The Alphabet  
  
  
The next day the guards were surprised to see that her body had vanished and appeared in Hamanatra with one of the Most Wanted Criminals, Imhotep. They had somehow suspected that Imhotep had helped killed the pharaoh. Don't ask me how they knew because they seem like big stupid guys to me. But they knew and interrupted Imhotep in the mist of the ceremony that would raise Anck from the dead.  
  
"A B C D E F G . . ."  
  
These were the ceremonial letters that would raise her from the dead. It was a special ceremonial citation from the future and he didn't know what it meant. But Anck's soul started to come out of this water when the guards interrupted the ceremony.  
  
One guard tapped Imhotep on the shoulder.   
  
"Um. Sir. Imhotep sir." The guard said nervously.  
  
"What! Can't you see I'm in the middle of raising my beloved Anck from the dead so that she and I may rule the world together forever!"  
  
"Yes but you see there is just one problem."  
  
"And what's that?" Imhotep asked annoyed.  
  
"Well um..." the guard paused. He had forgotten. He looked back at the fellow guards who were fighting off invisible spirits that followed Imhotep. Don't ask me why they did. They just decided one day that Imhotep was the guy to follow. Anyway the guard heard one of his comrades shout. "Arrest him already will you!"  
  
"Oh yes." He said remembering what he was supposed to do.  
  
He took out some hand cuffs and wrapped them around Imhotep's wrists who was too busy still saying the alphabet and watching Anck rise from the dead.  
  
"Imhotep." the guard stated. "You are under arrest."  
  
Suddenly all the invisible spirits stopped fighting and Anck died again and everything was quiet.  
  
Imhotep broke the silence by yelling. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs.  
  
"YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" all the guards answered back at the same time.  
  
  
  
[Read about Imhotep's punishment called "The Big Ouchy" in the next chapter. If you made it this far you just HAVE to read on.] 


	4. The Big Ouchy!

Chapter 4: The Big Ouchy!  
  
  
Now the guards were taking Imhotep into custody to be tortured through a process they called "The Big Ouchy." It was the worst torture anyone could go through. Worse than having a stupid song in your head for a week. Worse than having to watch all 15 of the 12 hour video tapes of when you were little. Worse than having to wait in a line just to discover it was never a line at all. Worse than getting your keys locked in your car while being chased by bunnies on the side of the road in dreamland! Well you get the idea. It wasn't called "The Big Ouchy" for nothing.  
  
As the preparations were being made one of the guards said to a wary Imhotep. "Now look what you made us do. We're gonna have to put you through 'the Big Ouchy'. What'd you do again." The guard said scratching his head.  
  
"I killed the pharaoh. One of the worse crimes you can do. Oh yeah I slept with his wife. That's a pretty bad thing too."  
  
"Oh." the guard said. "Well since you were honest, I'll tell them to be a bit nicer in their torture OK?"  
  
"Sure whatever. You all gonna pay in the future. Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great . . . .  
  
Soon the sun was going down.  
  
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-v great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-  
  
"Uh Mr. Imhotep sir?"  
  
"Wait I'm not finished yet. great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren will pay for what you have done. For I will come back from the dead. Raise Anuk from the dead and torture you descendants."  
  
"Yeah that's nice and all but I think your torture is ready. "The Big Ouchy" ceremony is ready to begin."  
  
Imhotep just gulped nervously.  
  
First he was made to sing Kareoke at an old folks home for 2 hours. After that he was almost going through a nervous breakdown.  
  
Then Imhotep was tied up and tickled with a feather for four hours. Soon his stomach was aching with all his laughter and he felt as if his esophagus had shrunken 2 millimeters.  
  
  
Then he was forced to eat dirt. With worms in it. After a while it started to taste good and he was beginning to get delusional.  
  
Then he was made to run around the great pyramid forty times and then climb up and down it 50 times.   
  
After that he was stuffed into a coffin with millions of mice. (He hated little furry things.)  
  
After that he finally got a rest.  
  
"Your doing real good." a guard said. "Your almost ready for 'The Big Ouchy.'"  
  
"You mean all that stuff I did wasn't part of 'The Big Ouchy?'"  
  
"Oh that stuff. Even though most people don't make it past the tickling that's not what 'The Big Ouchy' is."  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"Oh it's just when we wrap you up in toilet paper and stuff you in this coffin till you die."  
  
"Well that doesn't sound too bad." Imhotep said sighing.  
  
"Oh yeah. There is that part where we cut out your tongue, poke you with burning thongs, and throw you in the coffin with a bunch off skin eating bugs. But other than that it's not so bad."  
  
By then Imhotep had fainted.  
  
So they cut out his tongue which really hurt poor Imhotep a lot. But remember, he's the bad guy here. Then they prodded him with burning sticks which Imhotep didn't notice because he was still complaining about his tongue.  
  
Then they wrapped him up in toilet paper and stuffed him into the coffin and shut the lid. Outside he could hear the guards say "Oh yeah, we forgot the bugs."  
  
"What do you mean we forgot the bugs?"  
  
"I mean we forgot the bugs. We didn't bring the bugs."  
  
"Well where are we gonna get some now?"  
  
"Yeah how we gonna get some without getting eaten ourselves."  
  
"Hey look. Here come some now."  
  
  
"But they might eat us."  
  
"Not if you know how to handle them right. Watch." one guard said. "Hey you! Bugs!" he said calling to the bugs. They stopped suspiciously looking up at him. "Would you mind getting into this jar?" he said holding a jar to the ground. "We have this prisoner who wants his skin to be eaten but he only wants the best bugs around to do it." At that all the bugs rushed into the jar excitably till it was over flowing. And they opened the lid of the coffin and tossed the bugs inside.   
But before he was eaten one bug said to him. "Here we are the best flesh eating bugs on the block and at your service. Are you ready to be eaten?"  
  
He shook his head no and tried to yell no but since bugs can't see in the dark and Imhotep had got his tongue ripped out he couldn't talk. So the bugs just took his mumbling as a yes. "Dig in boys!" the bug called to the others and they all started feasting on Imhotep who screamed in agony.  
  
Outside the coffin there were still some bugs that couldn't fit inside the jar.  
  
"Hey!" One of the bigger bugs said. "What about us? What are we gonna eat?"  
  
"Yeah boss." One of the guards said. "What are they gonna eat."  
  
"I don't know." The lead guard said. "But there is one thing for us to do."  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"RUN." He screamed and they all ran with the bugs chasing them from behind.  
  
Inside the coffin Imhotep somehow found a pen and before he died he managed to write "Death is only the beginning." Hey, it sounded cool at the time.  
  
  
[I'm debating on whether or not I should continue. What do you think?] 


	5. She Read the Book.

Here is the next part of my Funny Mummy story. (Try saying that 5 times!) According to all my reviews, I should continue my story. So I guess I will. Beware of my twisted mind and I will try to be as entertaining as I was in the other chapters. Well here goes . . .  
  
  
  
Chapter 5: She read the book.  
  
Now approximately 3000 years pass and Imhotep was stirring in his grave. He knew that it was almost time for him to wake back up. (He had this notion that he had only been sleeping you see, and that the torture and the actually dying had only been a dream. These things happen after you've been dead for a while. Especially when your brain rots away, you can't always think right.)   
  
Now Imhotep just needed someone to say the magic words from the "Guide on How to Rise Mummies from the Dead and Bring About the Destruction of the World, volume 8". It had been buried next to him by the guards along time ago. Of course these guards didn't actually think someone would read from the book, but just in case they put a warning sticker on the cover that said "Warning: Reading from this book may result in the destruction of the world and other harmful side effects!" The guards figured they were safe, but taking extra precautions they decided to guard the grave and the book forever. So they sent their kids to guard school and guarded the place of Hamanatra for 3000 years. Even now they are still guarding it. These guards don't have much of a life do they? I guess that is why they call themselves guards, because they . . . guard.  
  
But one day these guards got lazy and a very rich group of grave diggers and treasure seekers came to Hamanatra. The guards tried to scare them off and fight them but one of the treasure seekers managed to hold all 101 guards off their backs. (Who knows why there were 101 guards.) Finally the guards agreed to let them stay. They were scared of this guy who could hold all 101 of them off without even breaking a sweat. His name was Rick I believe, if my memory serves me well. But he's not important, at least that is what Imhotep thought. (And that was a little mistake, but let me not get ahead of myself here.)   
  
The guards warned Rick and the others not to wake up the Mummy, but everyone thought the guards were mad, Rick included. But Rick wasn't really worried because if he could fight off 101 men, a single mummy shouldn't be a problem should it?   
  
One of the guards, the noble leader (as he liked to believe) decided to stay at the camp and make sure they didn't wake up the mummy. His first name was something like "Are" and his middle name was "Deth", but everybody called him Ardeth combining the two names together. This greatly annoyed him, so he has asked me to clarify for him. His first name is "Are" and his middle name is "Deth". His last name is Bay. SO his whole name together would be Are Deth Bay. Don't ask me why his parents decided to name their kid after a letter of an alphabet, they had a strange sense of humor. So no one will be confused, we will call him "Are."  
  
  
Well the group of treasure searchers or grave diggers, whatever you'd like to call them, consisted of two groups. One group consisted of Rick whom you already know can hold of an army without much trouble. Evelyn, a geek who wanted to get her hand on every single Egyptian book she could find. (Including the "Guide on How to Rise Mummies from the Dead and Bring About the Destruction of the World, volume 8". This book seemed exceptionally appetizing and she hoped they would find it.) Then their was this fat guy who was getting one forth of the treasure. (But no one liked him.) And then their was the tag along little brother of Evelyn, Jon. (He had followed her since he was in diapers and didn't want to stop now.) He wanted to find the treasure and become rich. But basically he didn't do any of the work and just sat around drinking beer. (Who knows where he got it from. There seemed to be a never ending supply. Compliments to the "Magic Graveyard Hamanatra Bar" I guess?)  
  
The other group of treasure seekers aren't really important. They were basically a bunch of men trying to show off. They're basically in the story to get killed. You know the drill. Oh yes, then there was this other guy who believed every single superstitious thing. He slept with the nightlight on and stayed clear of black cats, ladders, and mirrors. So when he heard of the book and the "Mummies curse", he believed it. Then he found the book. (Lucky him.) He kept it close to him and didn't want anyone to read it. He even slept with it!  
  
Unfortunately Evelyn who didn't believe any harm could come from reading a book, stole it from him while he was sleeping. And despite the descriptive name. And despite the warning sticker. And despite that it had been guarded for 3000 years. And despite Are's warning. Despite everything that warned her not to read the book . . .  
  
Well you already know. She read the book.   
  
She opened the book to the first page and read aloud.  
  
"Arise from the dead, Oh evil spirit. Arise." It didn't seem too bad. She thought. It sounded like a poem.  
  
"Arise from the dead and raise your beloved Anck from the grave and rule the world together." Evelyn was starting to get bored but she continued to read aloud anyway. Then it started to get interesting.  
  
"Arise and steal a couple of men's body parts so that you can be rejuvenated into an atomically correct man. Then sacrifice the one reading this book so that Anck can be risen from the dead. Don't forget to unleash the plagues of Egypt on the world so that everybody suffers. Then bring about the next apocalypse."  
  
Evelyn slammed the book close. "Oh no!" She whined to Rick.  
  
"He's gonna steal somebody's body parts!"  
  
"Uh shouldn't you be more concerned about the sacrificing part? I mean you were the one reading the book!"  
  
  
"That's right!" she gasped and jumped into his arms.  
  
"Save me." she whimpered and he sighed as the ground shook and the wind howled and the sky blackened and voices started chanting and UFO's started flying in the air and . . .  
  
This went on for about ten minutes till Rick dropped Evelyn on the ground and yelled, "WILL YOU RISE FROM THE DEAD ALREADY, YA STUPID MUMMY!"  
  
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. Imhotep was risen from the dead. Or was awoken from a deep sleep as he would argue.  
  
Everyone ran to Evelyn and yelled at the same time "You read the book!"  
  
She looked around sheepishly. "Yes." she answered in a small voice.  
  
Then that suspicious guy who had slept through all this and had just woken up. (He was either a deep sleeper or had bad timing.) He ran out of his tent and yelled "YOU MUSTN'T READ FROM THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!"  
  
Everyone looked at him strangely.  
  
"What!" he said defensive like.  
  
"Um you see, she already read the book." Rick said in a matter of fact voice.  
  
With that the suspicious guy grabbed the book and ran all the way to Cairo. The whole 500 miles. Don't ask me how he did it. Suspicions can make you do crazy things.  
  
"OH! Damn it!" Are cursed. "After I told you a million times not to rise the Mummy from the dead, what'd you have to do? Go raise the mummy from the dead! Didn't you at least see the warning sticker?"  
  
"I thought it was just a . . . decoration."  
  
"Uhg!" Are said throwing his hands up in the air. "I give up! Now we have to kill the mummy and send him back to his grave!"  
  
"And how do we do that? Do we shoot him?" Rick asked pulling out all 50 of his guns.  
  
"No mortal weapon can kill him. He will never eat. He will never sleep. He will never go to the bathroom. He will never tire."  
  
"Bummer." Rick said. "Not to be able to go to the bathroom. He doesn't know what he's . . ."  
  
"That's not the point!" Are yelled agitated.  
  
"And your point is?" Rick said  
  
"My point is, Dumb Ass, if you shoot at him it will only put a bunch of holes in him. It will not kill him."  
  
"Then how do we kill him?"  
  
"Hell if I know! I just guard the place!"  
  
"We're in trouble." Jon muttered.  
  
"Yep in a whole lot of trouble!" Are muttered.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
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[Well that was a rather long chapter. But wait there's more . . .. Read on.] 


	6. Can I borrow your eyeballs?

Chapter 6: Can I borrow your eyeballs?  
  
It took a while for Imhotep to actually get up out of his coffin. I mean he just didn't jump up like one might think. For one thing he was glued to the bottom of his coffin thanks to the strange mixture of bug poop and his body fluids. For another thing he hadn't moved much in 3000 years so his limbs were numb from being asleep.  
  
He woke up a cranky mummy. He had no eyes, no tongue, no brain, not even anything that distinguished him as man, if you know what I mean. "If I only had eyes I could see." he thought somehow. Don't ask me how he thought since he didn't have a brain. "If only I had a tongue so I could speak." he somehow thought again. "If I only had a brain!" He screamed inside his rotting head.  
  
He walked along blindly for a while amongst the dark corridors. Luckily he still had his ears so he could hear. He heard men running away farther down the corridor so he went over their to ask if he could borrow some ones eye balls so he could at least see. He was still debating on whether he should also ask if he could borrow a tongue. He didn't think anyone carried an extra tongue around and kept it handy but you never know.  
  
Suddenly he stumbled over this whimpering man. It was one of the men in the second group trying to prove that they were tough. He had dropped his glasses and couldn't see without them. When he felt Imhotep stumble over him he became a whimpering fool frantically searching for his glasses which, unfortunately Imhotep had stepped on. Imhotep was no better off as he felt and listened to the man whimper before him. He tried to ask the man who he was but without a tongue (and without knowing the correct language) his voice came out as a sort of monster growl and the man fainted. Imhotep didn't really know what to do and tried to wake the man up. Finally after much aggravation he stole the guys eyeballs and tongue so he could talk and so he could see.   
  
The eye's weren't much good without glasses so Imhotep still wasn't better off then when he was before. At least he could talk. He walked a little farther along the passageway when he saw Anck! He couldn't believe it. How could she have risen from the dead? He ran after her calling her name and she ran away from him screaming until he had her backed up against the wall. When he was close enough he realized that it wasn't really Anck but some other girl, Evelyn to be exact. He could use her to raise his Anck from the dead! So thinking strictly of his beloved Anck he leaned over to kiss the girl in front of him.  
  
Suddenly Rick ruined their romantic moment by rushing into the room dressed something like Rambo with all sorts of guns and ammo on him ready for a fight. When he saw the mummy he cried "Woh! Dude! Maybe you should put some clothes on!"  
  
Imhotep looked down and realized he was naked because his clothes had rotted off over the 3000 year period he had been asleep. He covered himself embarrassed while Evelyn tried to keep from giggling. (Even though he didn't really have anything to cover up he was still embarrassed.) Evelyn was rather taken by the mummy despite the fact that he wanted to sacrifice her. You could call her an odd ball if you like but it won't do much good. She didn't get much sense till after this little adventure, but I'll tell you about that later.  
  
"Rick." she said still trying to keep from giggling. "This here is The Mummy."  
  
He looked at her blankly as crickets chirped in the background.  
  
"The mummy that I accidentally raised from the dead." she explained to the brain dead man.  
  
"Oh!" he realized. "That Mummy."  
  
He held out his hand. "Nice to meet you Mr. Mummy sir. I'm afraid to say I don't have any experience dealing with Mummies, but I'll try my best. Beer?" He asked holding out a cup specially brewed in the "Magic Graveyard Hamanatra Bar."  
  
"Rick!" Evelyn interrupted. "He's supposed to be our enemy."  
  
Rick looked at her blankly again.  
  
"He wants to sacrifice me." she continued but he still looked at her blankly.  
  
"And bring about the next apocalypse."  
  
He still just stood. There nothing was registering in his mind. Again crickets chirped in the background.  
  
"He wants to kill people . . ." she said.  
  
Rick jumped away from the confused mummy.   
  
  
"Kill people. We can't let him do that! I'm the protector of the world and I have to save people." he said as a bright light shone behind him as he stood showing off his arm muscles with his chest puffed out.  
  
"Well you can start by killing the mummy." Evelyn said thinking that the adventure would be over sooner than she thought.  
  
"Oh right." he said as he grabbed all ten of his guns and shot them all at once at the mummy. After the smoke cleared the mummy was alive but he was one mad monster.  
  
He looked down and realized that he was still naked so he left and yelled after them.  
  
"Once I find some clothes and some decent body parts I'll get you for that! You'll pay for ever messing with the great Imhotep." And he laughed at them as they ran away not understanding a word they had said.  
  
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[I know. I know. That wasn't as good as the other chapters, but I might have lost my groove! Well we'll see how the next chapter turns out before I completely give up. Forgive me if I annoyed you in any way by making fun of the hero's in the film, but this is really Imhotep's and Anck's story. That is why it is called "A Girl Named Anck." I didn't really want to focus on the heros too much. Even though I loved making Ardeth curse and Rick a brainless gun fighter and Evelyn a helpless geek. Someone even told me that I make them feel sorry for Imhotep. Review and tell me what you think.] 


	7. The language of the Jesters

Introducing Beni in this chapter!  
  
Chapter 7 : The language of the Jester's  
  
The Mummy Imhotep went back through the corridors looking for people he could steal body parts from. He went to the Hamanatra gift shop looking for body parts but they weren't any better than the one's he already had, all rotted and brown and old. He did find one of Anck's sacred golden Band-Aids. But he needed all six of them in order to raise her from the dead.  
  
He listened and heard off in the distance some whimpering and slowly made his way over there. It was a man looking around frightfully. Imhotep looked him over and even though the guy was small and skinny, Imhotep wanted to steal his body parts anyway. Everyone pretty much had the same type of heart and kidneys he figured. So he snuck up on the guy, who's name was Beni, but as a mummy it was hard for him to sneak up on anyone. Beni turned around and saw him and he started shaking with fear.  
  
The mummy growled at him as Beni backed up reaching for a necklace around his neck. He tried to say the "Lords Prayer" or something but his voice only came out in strange croaks and squeaks. Imhotep stopped and looked at him amused as Beni reached for another necklace and tried to say something in Arabic but since he didn't know the language and he was really, really scared, it sounded something like this:  
  
"Yodalli, Yodalli, Yodalla."  
  
"Forget this." Imhotep thought. "I better end this poor creatures life before he hurts himself."  
  
And Imhotep started stalking toward the guy in the corner. Oddly enough though, Imhotep recognized the babble but continued to stalk Beni.  
  
Beni grabbed another chain and babbled again.  
  
"Cha-Cha. Budda. Bu Yung Chow."  
  
Imhotep thought that was so funny he immediately started laughing.  
  
"Cha-Cha. Budda. Bu Yung . . ." Beni repeated thinking Imhotep meant to kill him.  
  
With that Imhotep fell to the floor laughing hysterically. He hadn't heard such babble in a long time. Not since he was a little kid being entertained . . .  
  
Beni more scared now by the rolling mummy grabbed another necklace and tried to speak another language he didn't really know and Imhotep remembered when he had heard the same babble before.  
  
"The language of the Jesters . . ." He commented getting up of the ground and looking at Beni.  
  
"Perhaps you can be of some use to me. You can be my entertainer. Hop on one foot while turning around in circles while patting your head, rubbing your stomach, and bawk like a chicken." He ordered Beni.  
  
Beni happily did as he was told trying to complete the task set before him. Unfortunately he wasn't that talented so he ended up falling flat on his face.  
  
But Imhotep didn't mind. He thought Beni was hilarious. "It's as if you are the reincarnated soul of my childhood jester." Imhotep said laughing deeply. This guy cheered him up and he was no longer a grumpy mummy.  
  
"I will spare your life if you help me find the remaining sacred golden Band-Aids." Imhotep told Beni.  
  
"Plus there's a reward." He said holding out a picture of Anck's sister. "She is yours if you help me."  
  
Beni with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, agreed to help Imhotep. Anck's sister was rather pretty in her fish-net clothing and coal covered skin.  
  
"Now let's go." Imhotep said.  
  
"I don't mean to be disrespectful sir, Imhotep sir. But shouldn't you first buy some clothes."  
  
Imhotep had forgot he was naked! He looked down and covered himself up embarrassed.  
  
"I thought it felt a little drafty." He muttered and walked over to the Hamanatra Mall to pick out some of those manly robes that are supposed to make the wearer look sexy. He wanted to look good for Anck whenever he got a chance to actually raise her from the dead.  
  
.  
  
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[Perhaps not as funny as the other chapters but I may be losing my magic touch! Ahh! But don't stop reading now. There is more to come.   
  
Plus I don't know if they had jester's in Egyptian times, but this is a made up story not to be taken seriously in anyway. If I get an event or happening wrong or out of order do not nit pick! Again this story is not to be taken seriously and it is not modeled entirely after the movie.   
  
In fact I like to believe that this is the real story and this is how it really happened. But that's just me and this is my story . . .  
  
Another thing: I'm not really satisfied about the sacred golden Band-Aids. I couldn't think of anything else funny. If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them. Other than that, read the next chapter about the guys only in this story to die.]  
  
: ) 


	8. Your only in this story to die!

Chapter 8: You're only in this story to die!  
  
Everyone went to Cairo and sat around at the bar. Are was complaining to Evelyn.  
  
"Why'd you have to raise the mummy from the dead. Now I'm out of a job! Not many people have use for a desert guard anymore. There's no more mummies left to guard!" He said leaving the bar angrily.   
  
"Sorry." Evelyn called after him.  
  
"At least I get to use all my guns!" Rick said. "But I seemed to have lost some of them. Have you seen them Evelyn?"  
  
"Why would I take them?!"  
  
"I started out with fifty and now I only have ten."  
  
"Who cares about your guns!" Jon said still drunk. "I miss the beer from the Magic Graveyard Hamanatra Bar. Mummies just seem to know how to brew the stuff."  
  
"At least your not just in this story to die." One of the men said, who is put in this story just to die.   
  
"It's too bad." Jon muttered after him.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile the guy with no eyeballs and no tongue was whimpering in another room in a chair with Beni and Imhotep sitting across from him.  
  
"It's too bad you had to loose your eyeballs, they would have fetched a decent price on the black market." Beni was saying. "And your tongue. People are short of tongues these days."  
  
The guy in the chair with no tongue and no eyeballs just sat in the chair whimpering.   
  
"You don't have to rub it in!" he tried to say.  
  
But sadly this poor fellow is only in the story to die as well as his friends. And he did die.   
  
"Unfortunatly my Prince Imhotep is short of a lot of body parts. And he'd like to borrow more of yours . . ."  
  
The poor man with no eyeballs or tongue, and soon to have a lot of other organs missing, started whimpering again because he was really scared and he knew he was only put in this story to die.   
  
I'd like to tell you that his death was a quick and painless one, but then I'd be lying. Because opposed to what you might believe, it took a while for Imhotep to "assimilate" him. Hey! He'd never done this before so he clumsily reached and picked out the poor guy's body parts one by one while the guy was still alive. Then he realized that he could have done it much faster by using some strange magic he never knew he had 'til now.   
  
"Oh well," he thought. "There's always next time to get it right."  
  
"Want a body part, Beni?" He asked.  
  
"Uh, no sir." Beni said and turned away to throw up.  
  
Imhotep just laughed at his queasiness and grabbed the sacred golden Band-Aid that the guy had in his posession.  
  
Each of the guys who are only in this story to die had one and Imhotep planned to assimilate each of them and take the Band-Aids that they had. They had made a little club out of these Band-Aids. It was a club where you tried to show how tough you were. They thought it was cool and kept the Band-Aids since they didn't really know they were Band-Aids. Enough about the Band-Aids though.  
  
Imhotep stood up half human and half mummy. I mean he was literally half human and half mummy. Just imagine a guy with the left half of his body all rotting and the other half normal. That is what Imhotep looked like, sort of like two-face from Batman.  
  
"Now to carry out my duty!"  
  
"And what's that, my Prince?" Beni asked still throwing up.  
  
"Well I get to make pretty lights in the sky, turn water into blood, gather up my friends-the bugs for a little party, and make people wear those ever fashionable things called boils on their faces and brainwash them into following me."  
  
Beni just looked at him strangely.  
  
"In other words Beni, I have to bring upon the plagues of Egypt."  
  
  
  
  
Suddenly Rick jumped ten feet in the air. Everyone looked at him strangely.  
  
"I just had this strange feeling!" Rick yelled.  
  
"He's here!"  
  
"Who is dear." Evelyn said  
  
"The Mummy."  
  
"Oh no." she said with faint fright in her voice. "He wants to steal somebody's body parts!"  
  
"He wants to steal them from us!" the guys-who-are-only-in-this-story-to-be-killed said.  
  
"Oh yes." Evelyn remembered. "He also wants to sacrifice me."  
  
"Tough luck." Jon said. "At least he doesn't want to do anything to me."  
  
"He's here!" Rick yelled again.  
  
"We heard you the first time Rick!"  
  
"He's here!" He yelled again.  
  
"God damn it, we heard you O' Connol. Why do you keep yelling like that!" Jon muttered with a headache.  
  
"Ask me how I know!" Rick said excitably.  
  
Jon and Evelyn exchanged a strange look and finally Evelyn said with fake astonishment "How do you know, Rick?"  
  
"Yes how do you know, Rick" Jon continued.  
  
"Because Jon's drinking blood."  
  
"I am?" Jon said as he peered into his cup accidentally bonking himself in the eye.   
  
"I thought it tasted familiar. Must be an ingredient they use at the Hamanatra Bar, how I miss that place." He sighed taking another sip from the cup.  
  
Then the light show started outside, as comets flew down into the city.   
  
"Everyone go upstairs." Rick ordered.  
  
"What?" Evelyn said.  
  
"We want to keep drinking more beer!" the guys said. "After all, this is probably the last day on earth we will see." they said.  
  
"I'll toast to that." Jon said raising his cup in the air.  
  
"Get up stairs now!" Rick yelled grabbing all the guns he could find.  
  
"You think you can just boss me around because you have a lot of guns!" Evelyn cried.  
  
"I'll toast to that." Jon said again. He was drunk as if I have to tell you.  
  
After everyone started arguing Rick managed to pick up Evelyn and carry her on his shoulder, push the guys (who will soon die by the way), and pull Jon by the collar all the way up the stairs.  
  
But waiting for them was the Mummy.   
  
"Hey look." Evelyn screamed on his shoulder.  
  
"The mummy got somebody's body parts like I feared!"  
  
"I'll toast to that." Jon said and then realized he didn't have anything to toast with.  
  
"He also got some clothes." Rick realized.  
  
"Oh yes." Evelyn commented. "He bought some of those manly robes. Very sexy."  
  
With that Rick dropped Evelyn onto the floor and took out his ten guns and shot at the mummy.  
  
After the bullets ran out, the mummy grabbed him by the neck and said, "Will you stop doing that! It takes a long time to patch those holes up!"  
  
"Sorry." Rick gurgled.  
  
The mummy threw Rick into the other guys and looked at Evelyn in the corner. She backed up scared when she saw that he was coming for her.   
  
"You have resurrected me from the dead." He stated trying to sound like a very respectable gentleman. "Soon I will sacrifice you and bring my beloved Anck back from the dead."  
  
Again he leaned over to kiss her, thinking only of Anck and not the girl he was trying to kiss, of course.  
  
She backed up and help her hands up in front of her face with disgust.  
  
Suddenly the music to "the Entertainer" started playing in the background. Imhotep looked to see who was playing it. When he realized it was a cat, he got scared. Since when did cats play pianos?! He ran away not wanting to find out.  
  
  
  
[Seems like I made this story more strange and sarcastic than the other's. I still love the way Evelyn's always going on about somebody's body parts and Rick and his 50, I mean, 10 guns. Jon's pretty funny in this chapter too. Wait! Everybody's funny! How can you not help but laugh? I even crack myself up! I love the cat joke.]  
  
  
REVIEW please. : )  
  
And like you I look forward to the next couple chapters! I'll try to put the chapters up in twos. Hey! I have as much fun writing them as you have fun reading them. 


	9. The right side of the left handed Mummy.

You know the drill. Don't own nothing. So don't sue me because I'm not making any money off of it. (Even though maybe I should!) : )  
  
  
Chapter 9: The right side of the left handed Mummy  
  
So Rick locked Evelyn up in the tallest tower because he figured she would be safe from harm there and put the two guys who are only in this story to die, there at the top of the steps to guard her. Then he and Jon went downstairs to look for the suspicious guy who seemed to be more than he seemed.  
  
They went to the suspicious guy's office who had magic charms hanging all along his walls, only to find Beni there searching through the suspicious guy's desk, which had been blessed by Catholic priests, of course. In the corner lay a big bag which Beni had placed there.  
  
"Look it's Beni!" Jon yelled and Beni got scared and tried to run away but tripped on his rather large shoes which Imhotep had given him as a joke. They were Jester's shoes with the little bells and ribbons. Imhotep had bought them at the Hamanatra Mall and given them to Beni as a present. Beni still scared of the Mummy didn't refuse even though he thought they looked a little out of style.  
  
"Nice shoes Beni!" Rick said harshly and picked him up pointing all ten of his guns at him.   
  
"Did your new friend the Mummy give them to you!"  
  
"Eeeee." Beni squealed and tried to crawl away, but Rick threw a chair at him and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt.   
  
"Nice shot!" Jon said so that Rick remembered he was still there.  
  
"I'll let you live if you answer three questions!"  
  
"Ok. Ok. Just don't kill me." Beni whined.  
  
Rick hooked Beni up to a lie detector machine, as Jon looked on amused.  
  
"Question Number One: What does Imhotep want?"  
  
"He only wants these sacred golden Band-Aids . . ."  
  
The machine started beeping and Rick made sure to cock all his guns in front of Beni's face.  
  
"That's all he wants . . ." Jon said toughly.  
  
"What's he gonna do with Band-Aid's? Patch up all his holes?" Rick said.  
  
"Duh! Don't you know anything. He's gonna use them to raise Anck from the dead. I even knew that." Jon said   
  
"Now does he want fries with that?" Jon said amused.  
  
"Oh yes and he wants your sister. But I swear that's all."  
  
Rick put down his guns and said "Question Number Two: What do you see in this guy Beni! Why couldn't you have just stayed on our side. He's the enemy! Beni, we could have been a team together. Why did you have to leave me and go with this guy!"  
  
"Because it is better to be on the right hand side of the left handed mummy on the right of his left hand." Beni said without a second thought  
  
"What!" Jon said.   
  
"Tis better to be on the right hand side of the right side of the left sided mummy than in his right path of his left leg." Beni continued.  
  
"The right side of the left path of the right hand in the left leg?" Jon tried to follow.  
  
"I'm drunk and that doesn't even make a bit of sense to me!" Jon said frustrated.  
  
"Is it some kind of riddle?" Jon continued, "Because I was never good at riddles . . ."  
  
"You know oddly enough, that actually made sense to me." Rick said.  
  
"What!" Beni and Jon said together.  
  
"It means Beni would rather follow a rotting, flesh eating mummy, who is evil and makes a living killing people, just so he can save his own skin! So if that's the way it has to be then so be it. We could have had something Beni. But you've made your choice and now I might have to kill you." Rick said pointing all ten of his guns at Beni.  
  
"Eeeeeeeeee . . . ." Beni whined.  
  
"Ha, ha." Jon said very much amused.  
  
"Wait. What are you talking about!" Jon said confused.  
  
"Left handed something . . ." He muttered still frustrated.  
  
"Last question Beni." Rick said as if he were talking to a child with all his guns still pointing at Beni. (Somehow he had grown eight extra arms so he could literally point all ten of his guns at Beni who was turning into a strange pool of sweat making a noise similar to that of a mouse.)  
  
"What . . ."  
  
" . . . is my favorite number?"  
  
"Huh?" Beni and Jon said at the same time.  
  
"Is this a trick question?" Beni asked and was answered by the cocking sound of ten guns one after the other.  
  
"Guess not. Ummmmm. Give me a moment here. I think you told me once. I . . ."  
  
"Times running out Beni!" Rick said sneering.  
  
"Uh ten?" Beni said in a small voice.  
  
"Nope!" Rick said smiling.  
  
"Time to die."  
  
Beni closed his eyes expecting to get shot, but after nothing happened he saw that Rick had lowered all ten of his guns and was watching Beni smiling.   
  
"You know I'd never kill my bud, Beni!" Rick said.  
  
"Heh, heh." Beni laughed nervously.  
  
Then Rick threw Beni out of the window. "Goodbye Beni"  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhh . . ." Beni yelled as he fell like a feather down to the ground. He was so light you see and the Jester shoes acted like parachutes that he didn't fall as fast. When he hit the ground he was still yelling. Then he realized that he had landed and simply said "Oh." And walked away. "I knew these shoes had to be good for something." He said happily.  
  
"You letting him get away!" Jon said.  
  
"I know." Rick said with a tear in his eye. "Too bad he has to die . . ."  
  
"I miss him already." Jon said getting a little carried away.  
  
"Lets have a toast!" He said looking around the suspicious guy's office for an alcoholic beverage.  
  
Rick looked at him strangely. "Are you hungry?" Rick asked not understanding that Jon was speaking of drinking and not a breakfast food.  
  
"No. I'm drunk. I'm just a drunk guy in this story strictly for comical purposes." Jon said proudly.  
  
  
"Oh yes and I can read ancient Egyptian! My Mummy taught me . . ."  
  
[I love it and hope you do too! I hope your not getting tired of keeping up with this story as it is turning into sort of long one. But there are already rumors of a sequel and even a musical . . .  
Who likes Jon? I do! Who likes Beni? I do. Who likes Beni's shoes? I might have gotten a little carried away there. Thanks for the reviews. I'll remember what you like so I can put more of the stuff you like in later entries. "I'll toast to that!"] 


	10. Bye, Bye Suspicious Guy . . .

Chapter 10: Bye, Bye Suspicious Guy!  
  
Meanwhile the suspicious guy had just finished running his 500 mile marathon from Hamanatra. He had just reached the city and was very tired. But the streets of Cairo were empty which made him very suspicious indeed.   
  
Then his worst nightmares came true. A black cat walked in front of his path and he ran away from it looking behind him accidently running under a ladder. He looked up at the ladder in horror and tried to run the other way but accidently stepped on something which cracked beneath his feet. He looked down to see what it was and realized it was a handheld mirror. "How did that get here?" he said in panic. Then a salt shaker fell out of his bag and spilled all over the street and he suddenly realized he wasn't wearing his lucky underwear.  
  
"NO!" He gasped in shock.  
  
"The world is ending as we know it!" he yelled in a half crazed voice when he noticed a comment falling from the sky he yelled "The sky is falling!"  
  
He tried to run away looking up at the sky when he bumped into a dirty street beggar wearing ragged clothes and smelling like rotting flesh.  
  
"Not more bad luck." He muttered.  
  
"Would you rather have seven years of bad luck or die?" The beggar asked.  
  
"Not bad luck!" He said making the sign of a cross in front of his face, sprinkling salt over each of his shoulders and chanting over a variety of good luck charms.  
  
"Where's my rabbits foots? Where's my rabbits foots?" he said rummaging through his bags. Ah yes here they are he said pulling out a super-sized stuffed bag full of different colors of rabbit feet. (He must have had a thing against rabbits.) Unfortunately they all spilled out of the bag.  
  
"No!" he said even more panicked. "I've been cursed!"  
  
"So you would rather die than have bad luck?" The beggar said.  
  
"Oh yes most definitely." The suspicious guy said scooping up all his rabbit feet.  
  
"Very well. You have made your choice."  
  
And with that the beggar threw off his hood for he was Imhotep and assimilated the suspicious guy who was groveling over a pink rabbit foot on a key chain.   
  
Imhotep rummaged through the guys over sized book bag and got the "book" and two of the sacred golden Band-Aids. Who know why he got two Band-Aids and everyone else only got one. I guess because he was the leader of their little club. Or maybe he was a thief as Jon seemed to think . . ..  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
"By the way," Jon said. "What is your favorite number?"  
  
"Fifty!" Rick said as he looked in the bag Beni had left behind pulling out the 40 guns Beni had stolen.  
  
"Beni stole my guns!" Rick shouted.  
  
"How could he! After all we've been through!" He continued whining.  
  
"At least you got them back." Said Jon who was always trying to find the good in something.  
  
"There you are my little babies . . ." Rick cooed as he carefully examined each of his stolen guns.  
  
"I'll leave you two, I mean you 51 alone." Jon said   
  
Jon was just about to leave the room when they heard a scream outside.   
  
They both ran to the window to see Imhotep next to the corpse of the suspicious guy.  
  
"Bye, Bye Suspicious Guy." Rick said saluting at his corpse.  
  
"I never liked that guy anyway." Jon said. "He stole my nightlight. And what sort of name is suspicious guy anyway?"  
  
Rick got angry. No one deserved to die by the mummy. Not even guys who stole night lights.   
"You stupid Mummy!" Rick yelled at the Mummy because who else would he be yelling at.   
  
"You think you are so great because you can steal people's body parts. But you can never get me up here! And I got all my guns! All 50 of them!"  
  
  
"I have friends!" The Mummy yelled in ancient Egyptian. And he summoned up a lot of gnats that he had eaten for breakfast and threw them up at them. Rick and Jon simply shut the window so the gnats couldn't get in.  
  
"Is that all he can do?" Rick stated. "Throw up at us?"  
  
"At least he didn't assimilate us! I'll toast to that!" Jon said when he found some of the suspicious guy's wine. But it tasted mildly suspicious . . .  
  
"I'm suspicious of the suspicious guy." Jon said laughing at his pun.  
  
"Has anyone ever told you that you are very annoying."  
  
"I'll toast to that!" Jon said raising a crystal glass decorated in rabbit feet.  
  
"Shut up . . ."  
  
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[Let's give it up to the suspicious guy! "I'll toast to that!" Want more? Then review.] 


	11. Bourbon?

SORRY A LONG NOTE AHEAD!  
  
I don't know if any of my readers noticed but originally the suspicious guy was supposed to be the superstitious guy. No one seemed to notice and it doesn't mess up the story more than it already is.  
  
Can you believe this is turning into eleven chapters already? I originally only wanted to make fun of Imhotep's and Anck-su-namun's relationship, but now I'm gearing up to make fun of the whole movie, The Mummy. No one seems to be disappointed though, even though I wish I could get more reviews. I love you those who did review like Adro13 and NumeroUnoFan, my immediate family. : )   
  
Also thanks to AimzNemesis AKA The Sadistic Scorpion, KatieScarlet, and Marcher for keeping up with my story. I love you guys, even though you don't even know me. I hope you don't mind me mentioning your names. But look! Your famous now!  
  
Have you heard? There is already rumors about a sequel to "A Girl Named Anck!" What could it be called "A Girl Named Evie?" Plus there is talk of a musical to the Mummy but the contractors haven't been able to find any worthy song artist for the show. What rumors have you heard?  
  
  
  
Chapter 11: Bourbon?  
  
Evelyn was not having a good time locked up in a tower. She was going through that time of the month if you know what I mean and she was really angry at Rick for locking her up here. He seemed to think she was just someone you could toss around. She didn't even have a book to read. She remembered how he had kissed her when they had first met. Now even though she liked him, he wouldn't admit that he liked her!  
  
"Men." She mumbled after getting out of the shower and drying her hair.  
  
Meanwhile at the doorway the two guys who are here to die and belonging to the sacred golden Band-Aid club were left to guard. And they were getting very bored.  
  
"The hell with this!" one guy said. "We're missing the light show and the End of the World celebration downstairs. I'm gonna get us a drink. Even if it is all turned to blood. If I don't do something except wait here to die, I'll surely die of boredom."  
  
He walked to the door.  
  
"Want me to get you anything?"  
  
"Yeah a bourbon." His comrade in death said.  
  
"And a shot of bourbon!" he yelled after him.  
  
"Yeah, Yeah. I'll get your bourbon."  
  
"And a Bourbon chaser!"  
  
"OK!"  
  
"With one of those little umbrellas!"  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"In those fancy glasses!"  
  
"Yeah, Yeah."  
  
The guy was silent for a moment till finally the guy came back in the room peering through the door.  
  
"Anything else you want?"  
  
"How about another bourbon!"  
  
"Is that all you think about!"  
  
"That's all I'm supposed to be thinking about. Drinking bourbon makes you look tough!"  
  
"Yeah, Yeah."  
  
"Besides we are only in this story to die any ways."  
  
"Yeah, Yeah. I'll get your bourbon. You might not live long enough to drink it though."  
  
"There's always that chance . . ."  
  
And with that the guy finally made his way down the 20 stories of stairs and joined the "End of the World" celebration. He was about to go back upstairs when a couple of gals started to distract him.   
  
"I gotta go. I left my friend all alone up there. I don't want to let him die."  
  
"Oh let him die." One woman said.  
  
"Wouldn't you rather be with us anyway?"  
  
After a second of thought he said.  
  
"Your right. I have seen the error of my ways. Why should I care about him! He'll end up getting us both killed. We are only in this story to die anyway. Why not enjoy it while I can?"  
  
"That's right Hun." a gal said blowing one of those noisemaker/party favor things into his face.  
  
They all laughed while this song that sang "We're all gonna die!" played in the background and everyone partied by drinking and being merry.  
____________________________________________________  
  
Meanwhile upstairs the guy was left all alone and a strange wind started blowing everywhere.  
  
"What a windstorm." He thought.  
  
Then you probably already know Imhotep came and sucked him dry.   
  
The guy was playing around with his gun when Imhotep came through the window as a sand storm.  
  
"You know you shouldn't play with guns. They are dangerous." Imhotep said.  
  
"Ah what do you know. Gun's haven't even been invented yet in your time." The guy said surprisingly not afraid.  
  
"Well as you know you are only in this story to die." Imhotep said nervously putting his hands in the pockets of his robes. It was strange talking to your food.  
  
"Yeah I was wondering when I would finally get this over with."  
  
"Well are you ready to die?" Imhotep questioned still feeling a bit strange talking to this guy.  
  
"Yeah. Can I get a drink afterward though?"  
  
"Uh sure." Imhotep said nervously.  
  
"Uh. Go to the Magic Graveyard Hamanatra Bar and tell them Immy sent you."  
  
"But wait!" Imhotep realized. "You can't have a drink!"  
  
"And why not!" they guy said disappointed.  
  
"You'll be dead!" Imhotep said evilly and started laughing hysterically like a deranged hyena. Then he started choking as his vocal cords were rotted out.  
  
"I'll need your vocal cords." Imhotep said in a low grumble. "Mine aren't too efficient."  
  
With that the guy screamed loudly.  
  
"At least I know I'll get a good quality on the vocal cords." Imhotep thought.  
  
And with that he took out a straw and "sucked" the guy dry to the bones. The poor guy didn't even get his bourbon. : (  
  
  
Then Imhotep looked to the door where Evelyn was behind and decided to see her so he could be reminded of his love for Anck. (She is who the story is named after you know.)  
  
  
  
  
[OK. That chapter was a little dry. (So go drink a Bourbon!) But what happens in the next chapter when Imhotep walks in on Evelyn while she's naked! Find out by reading . . .]  
  
  
  
  
I don't know where I come up with this stuff!?  
I never knew my mind was so strange . . . 


	12. ARE . . . YOU . . . DECENT . . . ?

Just to warn you, but in this chapter Imhotep begins to have second thoughts about raising Anck from the dead. You bad mummy, you!  
  
  
  
Chapter 12: ARE . . . YOU . . .DECENT . . . ?  
  
Evelyn who had just gotten out of the shower didn't expect a thing.  
  
So when Imhotep threw open the door he was surprised to get a full view of a naked Evelyn!  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed back testing out his new vocal cords.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she continued screaming.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed back.  
  
Now normally it is impossible to win a screaming contest with a mummy. But Evelyn did it that day which is very strange since mummies don't breath.   
  
Finally Imhotep shut the door and Evelyn stopped screaming.  
  
  
Then he opened it again only to see Evelyn still naked, starting to scream again, and starting to grab things to throw at him.  
  
He slammed the door and the screaming and throwing immediately stopped.  
  
He opened it. Scream. Throw. Slammed it. Stop.  
  
He opened the door and yelled "Calm down. I'm not gonna hurt you!"  
  
But she couldn't hear him because she was still screaming and throwing everything from shoes to dishes at him.  
  
Finally he gave up and shut the door. He had a mixed feeling of glee from seeing a girl naked but also from horror of her screams and throwing abilities.  
  
He caught his breath.  
  
"ARE . . .YOU . . . OK . . . ?" He asked spacing out his words as if he were speaking to someone very slow in the head.  
  
"Of course I'm not OK!" A very pissed off Evelyn yelled back.  
  
"How would you feel if a mummy walked in when you were naked?"  
  
He thought about it for a second and knew if it were him in her situation he wouldn't have been particularly flattered either.  
  
"How would you feel if you were locked in a tower with PMS when the only guy you ever loved has locked you there and doesn't even admit that he likes you." Evelyn continued.  
  
He didn't answer her immediately and finally said, "ARE . . . YOU . . . DECENT . . .?"  
  
"Of course I'm decent. You think I walk around all day wearing nothing! Now go away. I'm going to bed." she said as she got under the covers.  
  
"Men." she muttered.  
  
"Woman." Imhotep muttered having second thoughts about raising Anck from the dead. But what was he thinking? Of course he had to raise Anck from the dead. She was his love. His life. She was the only reason he was here today. If it hadn't been for her he would have probably spent his mummy years at the Hamanatra Bar. Besides woman only went through this once a month . . .  
  
"Are you asleep?" He asked Evelyn.  
  
  
"Yeeeeeeeesssssssssss." she said drawing out the word talking in her sleep.  
  
"Good." He thought mischievously. And peeked through the door grimacing expecting to hear a scream and more stuff to be thrown at him, but sighed when he realized it was quiet and dark.   
  
Sure enough Evelyn was asleep on the bed.  
  
"Soon Anck." He thought. "We shall be together."   
  
"She will never know if I steal a little kiss though." Imhotep said with glee referring to Anck.   
  
So this time thinking of kissing Evelyn and not Anck (You naughty mummy you!) he leaned over and stole a little kiss. Score! (And the crowds go wild.)  
  
___________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Meanwhile Rick and Jon had joined in on the celebration going on downstairs.  
  
"Aw, can't we stay just a little while." Jon had whined to Rick.  
  
"Don't you ever stop drinking?" Rick asked.  
  
"I'm paid to be drunk, you think I'll stop now!" Jon answered.   
  
Then Jon walked up on the stage interrupting the band and said into the microphone "Hey everybody. I hope your having a good time."   
  
Everyone stopped there partying and looked up at him on the stage.  
  
"I'd just like to say that I'm gonna stop the Mummy and we won't have to all die." Jon said smiling proudly.  
  
Everybody looked at him blankly while Rick put his head in his hands. Silence swept over the crowd and someone coughed in the back.  
  
Jon looked around disappointed and then a great idea came to him.  
  
"Did I mention I'm rich!" He said into the microphone.  
  
There was a silence as the words sunk into the crowd when suddenly the crowd cheered and millions of girls ran up to Jon. One even placed a necklace of flowers around his neck!  
  
Suddenly a huge scream was heard from the top of Evelyn's tower, just as Rick spotted one of the guys who are only in this story to die.  
  
"Why aren't you guarding her!" Rick yelled at the man.  
  
"If you wanted a guard why didn't you get Are?" he asked sheepishly.  
  
And with that said they all ran to the stairs huffing and puffing. When they were halfway up Jon said "Wouldn't it be easier to take the elevator?"  
  
"Oh yes." Rick said and they ran back down the stairs and to the elevator only to realize that it was out of order and then they had to run back up the stairs again.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
[I don't care what you say. I personally believe this story is hilarious. Is the naked scene OK? I'm trying to keep it P.G.-13 you know. By order of Imhotep you must review. By the way? Which character do you want to see more of? Jon? Beni? Rick? Evelyn? Imhotep? Are(deth)? I'm just curious. They all have had their moments. I know the last two chapters weren't really that funny. But I promise the next chapters will be. You didn't waste your time though did you?]  
  
  
  
Do I need to remind you to review? No. OK. Go ahead. : )  
  
  
Thanks again for all the reviews. I hadn't planned for this story to be a success. Good luck on your own stories! : ) 


	13. To be kissed by a Mummy . . .

Thank you for all the reviews! Thank you, thank you! I expected my story to be boring or uninteresting to everybody, but I guess I was wrong! And even though I thought the last couple chapters weren't that interesting, I see y'all still liked it! Anyway. On to chapter thirteen! Ohhhhh. Suspicious . . .  
  
  
  
Chapter 13: To be kissed by a Mummy!  
  
It was chapter thirteen in the story and the suspicious guy came back to life.  
  
"Thirteen!" He yelled.  
  
"Leave it to me to wake up in the thirteenth chapter!" And with that he died again.  
  
(I don't know why I put that in the story. I just did.)  
  
Meanwhile Imhotep had just leaned over to kiss a sleeping Evelyn. Just then Rick, Jon, and the remaining guy belonging to the Band-Aid club also known as the last guy only in this story just to die . . .. Well they all rushed into the room.  
  
Just then Evelyn woke up to find herself being kissed by a Mummy! Her eye's widened and she tried to get away, but only managed to fall out of the bed and hit her head against the wall.  
  
Imhotep growled at the new comers for interrupting his (uh hum) "moment".  
  
But Rick had a surprise up his sleeve.   
  
"I brought you a little present!" Rick said holding up a cat in Imhotep's face.  
  
Imhotep was not amused. But he wasn't scared either.  
  
"You're supposed to be scared." Rick said.  
  
The little cat simply meowed in the mummy's face and the mummy sneezed. (He was allergic to cats, but not scared of them.)  
  
"Why would he be scared of an innocent kitten." The guy who is only in this story to die said.  
  
"He was scared of it before . . .," Rick said getting a little nervous as the mummy eyed him evilly.  
  
"I don't like that look he's giving you Rick." Jon said nervously.  
  
"Me neither." Rick agreed.  
  
  
Then Imhotep recognized the cat that Rick was holding in his hands. It was the cat that had played the piano! He flew away scared. When cats could play piano's something was defiantly not right. Sort of like when pigs could fly. So the mummy poofed into a sand storm and flew away.  
  
"Good job, kitty!" Jon said petting the cat.  
  
Then the cat went over to the piano and started playing the "Moonlight Sonata." Don't ask me how she did it because it takes more than four paws to play it, I believe.  
  
Rick went over to Evelyn who was knocked out on the floor because of her little fall off the bed and also because of the shock of being kissed by the mummy.  
  
"Are you OK?" he asked Evelyn.  
  
"I think so." Jon answered.  
  
"He . . . He . . . kissed me." Evelyn said in shock.  
  
"Yeah it must have been traumatic!" Jon said shuddering at the thought.  
  
Evelyn stood up still shocked.  
  
"No. It was amazing!" she said dreamily!  
  
"What!" both Jon and Rick said together.  
  
"He kissed better than you Rick!" She stated.  
  
"That's it! This mummies going down!" Rick thought.  
  
Just then Are walked into the room.  
  
"What happened?" He asked.  
  
"The mummy just kissed Evelyn!"  
  
"Then it is as I feared! He wants to raise Anck from the dead!"  
  
"Duh!" Jon said. "We knew that from the beginning of the story!"  
  
"Oh yeah!" Said Rick. "And we still don't know how to kill him!"  
  
"I think I know!" Evelyn said.  
  
  
"You do?" Are asked.  
  
"Is there another book similar to the one I read that rose Imhotep from the dead?"  
  
"Well there is the book called "Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109."  
  
"That couldn't help us though." Rick said sighing.  
  
"That's it!" Evelyn said.  
  
"If reading the "Guide on How to Rise Mummies from the Dead and Bring About the Destruction of the World, volume 8" made the mummy come to life . . ."  
  
"Then reading the "Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109" can perhaps kill him!" Jon finished, as everyone looked at him surprised.  
  
"Hey I'm not stupid!" Jon said when everybody looked at him strangely. "I'm just drunk!"  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile the Mummy wasn't doing so good. Somehow his little episode had drained him of his energy. He began to regret kissing Evelyn because somehow she made his mouth rot away.   
  
"Must be an allergic reaction." He thought.  
  
Or maybe it was the unknown wrath of Anck, Imhotep thought guiltily. But it didn't matter because soon Evelyn would be dead and Anck would be there!   
  
Downstairs at the party he sat in a corner and nobody seemed to notice him. Beni was having a good time because a lot of girls thought his jester's shoes were cute.  
  
"Thanks again for the shoes my master." Beni said with twenty girls hanging off him.  
  
"I really can get girls now! Not to mention Anck's sister!"  
  
"Grrrrr. Arg." Imhotep grumbled annoyed.  
  
"Soon the party will be over." He said.  
  
"Aw my prince, don't be a party pooper!"  
  
"You see everyone drinking that beer?" Imhotep asked.  
  
"The beer that you turned to blood?" Beni questioned raising up a pint in the air about to drink some.  
  
"Don't drink it!" Imhotep warned.  
  
"Why not master?"  
  
"Because everyone who is down here and has drank it will become my slaves!" he said smiling wickedly.  
  
"Oh." Beni said confused and looked over at one of the girls at his side who had suddenly grown a huge boil on her cheek.  
  
"Ahh!" he yelped and pushed her away.  
  
"Give me a kiss dear!" Another girl said laughing with a huge boil on her lips.  
  
"Ewwww!" he said and ran behind Imhotep. He peered out from behind Imhotep and realized that everyone at the party had grown boils!  
  
"Oh yes." Imhotep mentioned. "They also grow boils if they drink from the beer!"  
  
"Sorry to ruin the party Beni but it's time to go!"   
  
Beni said nothing as he tried not to touch any of the people who had boils. Which was just about everyone. 


	14. Nice wall decoration.

Sorry if the last chapter was sort of a lame excuse of a chapter, but this one's better, I promise you.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 14: Nice wall decoration  
  
Our group of hero's ran to the museum to see if they could figure out where the book was located. There was Evelyn, Rick and Jon. Then there was Are and Evelyn's boss, the owner of the museum. Then of course we can't forget the last guy and member to the ever-popular sacred golden Band-Aid club and the last guy who is only in this story to die!  
  
When they got there, outside they heard some chanting.  
  
  
"Imhotep! Imhotep!"  
  
"Who's Imhotep?" Rick said and Jon whapped him over the head.  
  
"Look!" Evelyn said pointing to a slab of rock on the wall with big letters on top of it that read:   
  
"If you are looking for the 'Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109,' then read this!" It said with an arrow pointing down at the stone hanging from the wall.  
  
"Nice wall decoration." Rick commented.  
  
Evelyn read the ancient writings on the wall aloud.  
  
"As you already know the "Guide on How to Rise Mummies from the Dead and Bring About the Destruction of the World, volume 8" was buried next to Imhotep's grave . . ."  
  
"Come on Evelyn!" Jon said.  
  
"Can't you read in fast forward?"  
  
"The only way to kill the mummy, if he is ever risen from the grave, please hope that never happens, is to read from this book, the "Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109." she continued reading.  
  
"Come on!" Jon yelled as the chanters pushed open the doors downstairs under the control of Imhotep.   
  
"He has controlled anyone who has drank from the blood." Are muttered in an all-knowing tone.  
  
Jon quivered in his pants!   
  
"I drank that blood!" he yelled and ran away.   
  
"I'll just get the car ready!"  
  
"Evelyn were running out of time!" Rick said.  
  
"Patience is a virtue!" She sighed.  
  
"Not if a bunch of party goers drunk off blood that was cursed by Imhotep and under his control are after you!" Rick said  
  
"The Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109. is a very blessed book indeed . . ."  
  
  
"We don't want a review! We just want to know where the hell it is!" Are yelled.  
  
And Evelyn skipped all the words till she got to the very last sentence.  
  
"It can be found under the statue of a guy with a horse head in Hamanatra!" she yelled excitably.  
  
"Lets go!" Rick said and they ran in the direction Jon had gone.  
  
  
Jon found the car but unfortunately he also found a bunch of the partiers covered in boils chanting.  
  
He pretended to be one of them by chanting along with them and walking in a military fashion.  
  
"Hey?" Someone in the crowd asked him.  
  
"Why don't you have any boils?"  
  
"Uh. Mine don't come in till next week?" He said in a small voice.  
  
"Are you sure you are one of us?" Someone said suspiciously.  
  
Of course I am!" he assured. "I got an official Mummy membership card!  
  
Still they looked at him suspiciously.   
  
Finally he pulled out his secret stash of beer and said.  
  
"See I even drink from the blood!" And he took a big gulp.  
  
Then they believed him and left him to go on chanting.  
  
He took another gulp and said, "Hmm. Nice stuff!"  
  
He started the car just as everyone piled in and he drove away.  
  
But Beni saw them. He pulled on his master's sleeve.  
  
"Um Prince Imhotep sir?"  
  
"What!" the mummy said annoyed.  
  
"I saw them drive away."  
  
"You did?"  
  
  
"Yeah they went that way!"  
  
"Why didn't you tell me sooner!" Imhotep growled and threw Beni out the window angrily while Beni just floated down with his parachute like shoes.   
  
He landed with a thud and said, "I need to get a new job!"  
  
"People!" Imhotep screamed. "Those people in the car are the one's who stole the beer!"  
  
And with that said they all ran after them angrily.  
  
There were people of all sorts chasing the group of hero's in the car. There were clowns, guys in sweat pants, guys in suits, swimsuit models, and even kids. Someone even thought they saw Britney Spears there but it was never confirmed. But no matter who was there, they all had these nasty boils all over their bodies. It was a gross thing, indeed.  
  
People filled the streets making it impossible for them to drive without hitting anyone.   
  
"This is a very suspicious thing indeed." Jon the driver said as he was stopped in front of a crowd of people who blocked his path.  
  
"The suspicious guy is dead!" Rick said and slammed his foot on the pedal knocking everyone over like bowling pins.   
  
"I got a spare!" Jon commented.  
  
Soon everyone had their hands full.  
  
Are had a big muscular clown hanging onto him, which he finally managed to punch off of him.  
  
The owner of the museum had a businessman trying to choke him, which he managed to slap at.  
  
Rick had these two old guys hanging onto him and his bag of precious guns so he had to push them away and try and reach for his guns.  
  
Evelyn had this blond teenager who was scratching at her face and pulling her hair. Evelyn poked her in the eyes and she lost her balance and fell off the car.  
  
Even Jon who was trying to drive had to fight this guy in short shorts.  
  
"Get off the windshield!" He yelled at the man fighting him.  
  
"You're blocking my view."  
  
"Oh my bad." The man said and simply fell of.  
  
But the guy who is only in this story to die didn't have much luck as two girls were grabbing him.  
  
"Normally I'd be flattered that you girls were grabbing me . . ." He said trying to push them out of the car. But when the car turned he fell out and tried to run away.  
  
But Imhotep found him.  
  
The guy who is only in this story to die and the one who owned the last sacred golden Band-Aid shook with fear.  
  
Unlike his friends he didn't want to die. Oh wait. They didn't want to die either.  
  
"Please don't kill me!" He pleaded with Imhotep.  
  
"I'm not even supposed to die! They cast me to the wrong part!" He continued to plead.  
  
"But I need new lips!" Imhotep said pointing to his rotted ones.  
  
"You think I'm gonna kiss Anck like this?"  
  
"No not my lips!" The guy yelled.  
  
"I don't want your lips . . ." Imhotep said.  
  
"Oh!" The guy who is only in this story to die said as he thought that maybe he really wasn't in this story to die after all!  
  
"I want your entire body!" Imhotep screamed.  
  
"What kind of Mummy are you!" The guy said disgusted.  
  
"You know what I mean!" Imhotep said aggravated.  
  
"Time to put an end to the sacred golden Band-Aid club!" Imhotep yelled.  
  
And before he could say anything Imhotep sucked him dry, but without a straw this time.  
  
  
  
  
  
[I know I could have done better with the car driving part. But oh well, this will have to do? Suggestions and comments are always appreciated!]  
  
Bye for now! Until next time . . .  
  
  
: ) 


	15. That's not fair!

Chapter 15: That's not fair!  
  
"Oh no!" Jon said.  
  
"What?" Rick said  
  
"I totaled the car!"   
  
Rick looked down to see that Jon had indeed crashed into a post.   
  
"Jon how could you!" Evelyn yelled.  
  
"Sorry. I swear that post just jumped out at me. I blame Imhotep."  
  
"I knew he shouldn't have been the driver! It took him ten times till he finally could get his license!"  
  
"No it didn't it only took 11 times." Jon said and then realized that what he said was worse than what Evelyn said.  
  
"And that was last year!" Evelyn yelled.  
  
"Could the fact that he was drunk also be an argument on why Jon shouldn't be the driver." Are mentioned.  
  
"Why?" Evelyn said.  
  
"It's never stopped him before."  
  
"You English have strange ways." Are said.  
  
They just sat there arguing for a while till the chanters caught up to them. Then they realized that the chanters were there and ran out of the car only to be cornered against a wall.  
  
Suddenly the chanters parted making a little path for Imhotep and his jingling jester, Beni.  
  
"He is fully rejuvenated!" Are stated.  
  
"He stole everybody's body parts!" Evelyn said in horror.  
  
"Yeah, doesn't he plan to do something to you Evelyn?" Rick said trying to remember and scratching his head.  
  
"Oh yes. Sacrifice me. Right! I always forget that part." A rather air headed Evelyn said.  
  
(As you can see, these two airheads are perfect for one another.  
  
Imhotep said something in ancient Egyptian and Beni said.  
  
"I will interpret what he said: In a galaxy far, far away . . ."  
  
"Wait my master!" Beni said.  
  
"Are you reading from the right script?"  
  
Imhotep shuffled through some papyrus.  
  
"Oh yes! Here it is!" Imhotep said.  
  
Again he said something in Egyptian and Beni said,  
  
"He vant's to suck your blood!"  
  
"Stop joking around jester!" Imhotep growled.  
  
"Oh yes what he really said is: "Come with me woman I just kissed!" Beni interpreted.  
  
"He said woman I HAD kissed, stupid." Evelyn corrected.  
  
"Oh." Beni said simply.  
  
Again Imhotep spoke in Egyptian ignoring Beni.  
  
Beni said "Come vith me and I will spare your friends!"  
  
"He thinks we're bowling pins?" Jon said trying to make a joke but nobody laughed but Beni who doesn't count.  
  
"Oh dear. I'd better go with him." Evelyn said.  
  
"I would save you but I left my guns in the car." Rick said  
  
"Don't go!" He pleaded and looked to Are for support.  
  
"Live today, fight tomorrow." Are suddenly said.  
  
Rick looked at Jon who just said "Yeah what he said."  
  
Then he looked at the owner of the museum, who is still here you know.  
  
The guy just looked at him and said "Hey. I don't even know you!"  
  
"You can't go with him!" Rick argued.  
  
"You can save me before he performs the ritual."  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The sacrifice . . ." Evelyn said more simply.  
  
"But he kisses better than me!" Rick said feeling less manly without his precious guns.  
  
"If you save me, you can try to beat him!" Evelyn said with a sly look in her eye.  
  
And with that she walked over to Imhotep.  
  
"Hold me back! Hold me back." Rick said as he pretended to get ready to charge at Imhotep. But when nobody moved he merely said "Nevermind."  
  
Imhotep walked away and Beni went over to Jon and took something from his shirt pocket.  
  
"Hey that's my nightlight!" Jon said. "The suspicious guy already stole my other one!"  
  
"And look what happened to him!" Rick said.  
  
Beni just looked at them nervously and yelled after Imhotep, "Vait for me!"  
  
"That was my only other one!" Jon said continuing. "I only had two of those!"  
  
"Kill them!" Imhotep ordered everybody.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Evelyn screamed.  
  
Imhotep simply covered her mouth this time.  
  
Rick looked around and saw a ladder hanging down from the wall leading up to an open window. Then he saw how there were only people on his left side and nobody on his right. Then he saw that there was an open door leading to the inside of the building behind him. On the wall he saw a sign hanging over a button on the wall that said "If you are about to be killed by a huge crowd under the control of and evil mummy, press this button." But he thought that it was just a wall decoration. Finally he saw the teeny hole of the sewer and tore off the grate covering.  
  
"Get in!" He ordered Jon!  
  
"But what about my sister?" he asked!  
  
"Well get her back!'  
  
"And my nightlight!" Jon said.  
  
"Well get that back too!" Rick said as he lifted Jon up and stuffed him down the hole.  
  
"Come on!" He yelled at the owner of the museum and Are.  
  
Are came but the owner took out his sword that he never knew he had till now and started slicing at people who came near.  
  
"Are you sure we shouldn't have pressed that button?" Are said pointing to the button on the wall with the sign over it.  
  
"I thought that was just a wall decoration." Rick said quickly and pointed to the sewer.  
  
"This is the only way out, get in!" Are refused Rick's assistance and squished himself through the small hole leading to the sewers.  
  
"Come on!" Rick yelled at the museum owner.  
  
"Go!" the guy yelled at him and Rick shrugged and finally managed to squish himself through.  
  
The crowds were now gathering around the museum owner.  
  
"Oh no! I'm gonna die!" He realized.  
  
"I didn't know I was only in this story to die!" He yelled at the crowds.  
  
"That might explain the fact that no one remembers your name!" A girl from the crowds said. (At least the author of this story doesn't.)  
  
"That's not fair!"  
  
And they all killed him as he continued arguing about how unfair it was for him to die.  
  
  
Note: There will be a show down between our hero's and the mummy coming soon to a computer near you. Rumor has it that there will be different contest our hero's and mummy will compete in, including a kissing contest. But nothing has been confirmed as Imhotep has refused to give a statement and Rick is in the sewers right now and Evelyn is too busy airing out her head of all that air. Nobody wanted to hear from a guy named Are, and Jon's too drunk to say anything. Besides they are both in the sewers with Rick. All other possible interview subjects are now dead. 


	16. Imhotep Sandstorm 5000

Someone told me I should wait till I put up the next chapters, but here is the next chapters anyway. Let me warn you though: Everything is very strange! Like I really have to warn you.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 16: Imhotep Sandstorm 5000  
  
"How are we gonna save Evelyn and stop the mummy?" Jon asked as they walked through the sewers.  
  
"I don't know!" Rick said. "It's hard for me to think! If only I had my guns!"  
  
"How would that help?" Are asked.  
  
"I don't know. They help me think better." Rick answered.  
  
"Americans . . ." Are mumbled.  
  
"Look they will go to Hamanatra so if we want to save Evelyn and stop Imhotep we must go there."  
  
"How will we get there?" Jon asked who had just stepped in some nasty smelling water.  
  
"I don't know!" Rick said as they climbed out of another hole.  
  
When they finally got out of the sewers a small woman with glasses came up to them with a clipboard.  
  
"Are you Rick O' Connor?" she asked Rick.  
  
"Yeah. Who wants to know?"  
  
She ignored his question and said in an excited voice, "Congratulations Mr. O' Connor you are now the proud owner of an airplane!"  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Yes. Now just sign here." She said shoving the clipboard in his hands.  
  
"Cool!" Rick said signing it.  
  
"Must be from that shooting contest I entered last year."   
  
"Except I didn't win first place . . ." Rick said disappointed.  
  
"Why what do you get if you win first place?" Jon asked.  
  
"A big gun."  
  
"Well now we can get to Hamanatra!" Are said happily.  
  
"We can?" Rick said confused.  
  
Are looked at him in astonishment.  
  
"You just won an airplane Rick, we can fly it there!"  
  
"But I don't know how to fly an airplane!" Rick said.  
  
"Do you?" He asked Are.  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you?" He asked Jon.  
  
"No. And even if I did I wouldn't do it! Like to keep my feet firmly on the ground."  
  
"Then who's gonna try and fly it. I'm definitely not going to." Are said.  
  
They looked at Rick, and Jon said.  
  
"I don't trust Rick to fly the plane . . ."  
  
"Yeah me neither." Are said.  
  
Just then across the street they saw a homeless guy with a sigh that said, "Will work for food."  
  
Rick went over there and gave the man some food and said, "Hey, wanna fly an airplane?"  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
Meanwhile Evelyn, Beni, and Imhotep were getting ready for their trip to Hamanatra. Imhotep made sure he had all six of the sacred golden Band-Aids and the book. Beni packed up his stuff and Evelyn just sat there tied up.  
  
"Are you sure you don't need to go to the bathroom?" Imhotep asked Beni. "It's a long trip."  
  
"Yes master. I am sure!"  
  
"There is no bathroom in Hamanatra so you better go just in case. Unless you wanna dig a hole in the ground.  
  
"I'm OK." Beni said.  
  
"Well then let's go!" Imhotep said and turned himself into a sand storm  
  
Steps appeared at the foot of the sandstorm made out of . . . sand.  
  
Beni and Evelyn walked up the stairs somewhat frightened.  
  
A female voice was heard coming from the sand as the steps led to the heart of the sand storm where two movie theater chairs sat.  
  
"Welcome to the Imhotep Sandstorm model 5000!" The female voice said in a pleasant voice.  
  
  
"Please sit quickly and fasten your seat belt. Please no standing or getting up during the ride." The voice said as if it were an amusement park ride. They sat down confused but curious.  
  
"Now sit back and enjoy your trip to Hamanatra on the Imhotep Sandstorm 5000!"  
  
Suddenly the room got dark. And they were in for the ride of there life . . .  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
So there they were Rick, Jon, and Are, plus some guy they picked up off the streets flying in an airplane. Unfortunately the airplane only had two seats. One for the driver and one for a passenger in the back.  
  
Jon had been attached to one wing while the Are had been attached to the other wing. For a homeless guy, he handled the plane rather well.   
  
"Pretty fly, for a homeless guy." Rick said to the homeless guy who's name was Jimbo Bob.  
  
"Are you OK?" Rick asked Jon who had vomit dribbling out of his mouth!  
  
"DO I BLOODY LOOK ALRIGHT!" He yelled back annoyed making himself greener in the face.  
  
"I knew I should never have drunken that blood!" Jon muttered to himself.  
  
"What about you?" He yelled at Are.  
  
But Are was too busy yelling with glee because he had never flown in an airplane before. Especially not on the wing of one.  
  
____________________________________________________________  
  
Suddenly after a while the ride stopped for Evelyn and Beni. Beni was feeling rather nauseous while Evelyn was smiling happily.  
  
"Thank you for riding Imhotep Sandstorm 5000. Please watch your step . . ." The voice said as Beni and Evelyn fell from a five foot drop into the sand.  
  
". . . and enjoy your stay in Hamanatra." The voice continued in a unusually pleasant voice.  
  
Unfortunately Beni had landed on top of Evelyn.  
  
"Ew! Get off me!" She yelled in a girlish voice.  
  
"I didn't know you were like that!"  
  
Beni got up but he ran to the side to throw up. Then he came back just as Imhotep changed from the Imhotep Sandstorm 5000 into just plain old Imhotep. And he was old, mind you!  
  
  
"Can we do that again!" Evelyn yelled excitably jumping up and down next to Imhotep like a little girl. He merely looked at her with that mischievous smile of his. (You know the one I mean!)  
  
"No Master please!" Beni pleaded. "Let's NOT do that again."  
  
"I need a promotion!" Beni mumbled.  
  
"We're back!" Evelyn whispered as she looked off in the distance.  
  
"What!" Beni said. "How do you know?"  
  
"See that sign?" she said pointing to a sign besides them.  
  
"Yeah?" He said.  
  
"It says Hamanatra! Can't you read!" She yelled at Beni.  
  
"Well you didn't tell me to look at the words, just the sign."  
  
Just then a plane flew over head and Evelyn heard Rick's voice call to her,  
  
"Hey Evelyn! Look I won an airplane! Isn't that neat!"  
  
Imhotep looked at the airplane angrily.  
  
"Isn't he so cute!" Evelyn said to Beni.  
  
"Uh, not particularly . . ." Beni answered.  
  
Evelyn waved at the airplane as Imhotep stepped in front of her eyeing the plane evilly. She gasped wondering what he might do.  
  
"My sandstorm's hungry." Imhotep said in ancient Egyptian, of course.  
  
Suddenly he summoned the sand to follow the airplane. Don't ask me how he did it, he never told me. He just did it that's all I know. And all the sand particles worked together to chase after the plane while Imhotep focused on them, on the ground.  
  
Rick suddenly realized a gun was attached to the plane and started shooting at the sand.   
  
"Shoo sand! Shoo!" Jon yelled as sand started to swirl around them.  
  
"They must be having fun." Evelyn said looking up to the sky. "I know I had fun in the Imhotep Sandstorm 5000!"  
  
  
"I don't think this is the same thing we were in Evelyn." Beni said.  
  
"I think it's much worse!"  
  
"What! Then he'll kill them!"  
  
"That's the idea sister!" Beni said shaking sand out of his jester's shoes.  
  
Evelyn ran over to Imhotep. "Stop!" She whined.  
  
Then she saw how his lips were no longer rotted and she began to wonder . . .  
  
She kissed Imhotep distracting him from concentrating on the sand so it fell back to the ground where it is supposed to be.   
  
"Ohh! She kissed me!" Imhotep said gleefully to Beni.  
  
They gave each other high fives while the plane crashed behind them.  
  
  
  
  
[Who knows what's gonna happen next. I don't even know. Please review!] 


	17. Cranes and big bugs.

You've been waiting. What funny thing will happen next. Sixteen chapter and she's still going. Last time we left our hero's they were in a plane being flown by a homeless guy named Jimbo Bob. But Imhotep caused it to crash because he could control sand.  
  
  
Chapter 17: Cranes and talking bugs  
  
So the plane crashed and it crashed and it crashed again. Wait. It only crashed once. And it wasn't even that bad of a crash. Who knows how many miles per hour they were going, but I guess the sand made the landing soft because nobody got hurt. Well I guess I should mention that there was one death. Jimbo Bob died.   
  
"I hope he'll go to homeless guy's heaven." Rick said.  
  
"In the big Rock Candy mountaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain . . ." He began to sing way off key till Are and Jon ganged up on him and beat him up for singing so badly.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
Meanwhile Imhotep and Beni and Evelyn were walking into the city of Hamanatra. They walked through a big room full of gold. Beni stopped to stare.   
  
"Keep moving!" Imhotep yelled.  
  
Then they stopped at the Magic Graveyard Hamanatra Bar.  
  
"Just one drink." Imhotep said sheepishly when Beni gave him a strange look.  
  
Then they passed through a huge library full of Egyptian text. This time Evelyn stopped to take in all the splendor.  
  
"Keep moving." Beni said when he realized that she had stopped to look at a bunch of books. Anyone who got worked up on a bunch of books must have a loose screw, Beni thought.  
  
Evelyn angry at Beni's treatment said, "You know bad guys like yourself . . .  
  
"Let me guess." Beni interrupted. "They always get their come uppanze!"  
  
"No, they never get a promotion." Evelyn said  
  
"Ha, Ha." Beni said in a smart aleck voice. Then he realized what she was saying.  
  
"They don't?" He asked scared.  
  
"Never."  
  
"You mean I'll be stuck as a jester all my life?"  
  
"That's right."  
  
  
Then Beni ran to catch up with Imhotep, feeling sorry for himself.  
  
"At least let me become the head jester or somezing!" He yelled to no one in particular.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Lift it up a little higher. Higher. Higher. There!" Jon was telling Rick who was busy operating a crane. Somehow they had found some construction equipment and decided to make their own entrance into Hamanatra.  
  
Are was busy knocking out walls with a bulldozer and he was having a pretty good time about it.   
  
"Yee haw!" Are said as he rammed into another wall.  
  
"How many walls are there to Hamanatra." Rick thought because after every wall they knocked down there was another one behind it. He shrugged and continued to dig through the rubble with his crane. Of course Are Deth didn't care because after the plane ride, this was the next best thing!   
  
"Die wall, Die!" He yelled ramming into the twentieth wall they had encountered so far.  
  
Jon was just standing off to the side telling them what to do. He really wanted a drink, but took his mind off everything by bossing Rick and Are around. "You know you should always wear you construction hats." He said putting on one of those bright yellow plastic hats.  
  
"And back up a little ways before ramming into the next wall, Are!" He commanded.  
  
"I always say safety should come before everything else." Jon was rambling.  
  
"Never take your eyes off what you are doing and keep quiet as to not distract anyone else from what they are doing."  
  
Rick and Are stopped what they were doing and glared at him because he wasn't following his own advice to shut up.  
  
"Right." He said sheepishly. "Carry on then."  
  
They continued their construction work, or should I say 'destruction'. Jon quiet bored because he didn't get to operate any machinery, (Doctor's orders!). So he decided to look at the wall. Now on the wall were pictures. "Just like my picture books at home." Jon thought.  
  
Then he saw a gem shaped carved into a bug shape. At first he was a little queasy because he hated bugs. Then he saw how much it gleamed and shone in the torch light. "I'll be rich!" He thought gingerly grabbing it off the wall. "This could buy about a years supply of beer." he thought.  
  
Then the gem cracked open and a big bug popped out. Now some of you might have been told this bogus story that the bug crawled under his skin. But even though bugs made his skin crawl this bug did not get under his skin, literally anyway. Right when the bug popped out, Jon immediately dropped it in fright.  
  
"Thanks for awakening me!" The bug said.  
  
"Huh?" Jon said confused.  
  
"Who said that!" He asked waving his torch around frantically. Usually he only heard voices after drinking too much alcohol. But unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond his control, (like getting his nightlight stolen and sister captured, plus a bloody hell plane crash), he had no time to have a single sip of alcohol in the last couple of hours. (His secret stash of beer had leaked during the plane ride.)  
  
"I did, you sorry excuse of a human!" The bug said angrily.  
  
"What?" He said. (Maybe he was crazy and didn't need beer to hear voices and make things that normally didn't talk, talk.)  
  
"Since when did bugs talk!" He just had to ask.  
  
"Jon's talking to himself again." Are muttered when he looked over to see Jon mumbling something. Are didn't see the bug even though it was kind off big.  
  
"Actually bugs have always been able to talk. It's only you humans who believe we can't!"  
  
"Huh?" Jon said confused. He didn't like being confused when he was not drunk.  
  
"And now that you freed me, you get the honor of being my first meal!" the bug said because he was a bit big headed. And the bug ran toward him. Now some of you may think this bug could run fast. And maybe it could. But let me tell you a well-known fact in the real world. Humans can outrun bugs! Bugs just fly faster. But we've even got them beat there. Ever try to race a bug in your car. They just end up on the windshield! Anyway back to the story.  
  
"Ahh!" Jon yelled as the bug ran. Maybe it ran fast according to a bug's speed-o-monitor, but slow according to human speeds.  
  
"What? What?" Rick said annoyed at Jon. The bug continued it's "slow" pace towards Jon.  
  
Rick left his machine running, hopped out from the ten feet high crane seat, and ran over to Jon. Are remembered to shut his machine off, took out the key, and put it in park with the safety break on and walked down the steps calmly and over to Jon  
  
"What's wrong?" He asked earnestly.  
  
  
"A b, b, b . . . ." He muttered in fright.  
  
"A what?" Rick asked.  
  
Jon pinned himself to the wall then tried to climb it. For some reason Rick and Are didn't notice the bug. Maybe it was all part of his imagination.  
  
He pointed down at the bug, his hand shaking wildly.  
  
"A buuuuuuug!" he managed to get the words out of his mouth despite his apparent panic attack.  
  
"What's so scary about a bug?" Rick said and went over a squished it with his foot.  
  
Jon looked at Rick in disbelief.  
  
"It . . . It was a big bug and . . . it was gonna eat me!" Jon said blubbering.  
  
"Bugs have always been like that!" Are said calmly.  
  
"Not where I come from!" Jon yelled.  
  
"And it could talk!" he continued.  
  
"Well I've never heard of a talking bug before." Rick said scratching his head.  
  
"I guess if fleas can perform in a flea circus and shop in a flea market, maybe they can talk too!"   
  
"That was no flea!" Jon yelled as Are looked at both the outlandish people strangely.  
  
Before anyone else could speak, Rick's crane, (which he had left running) had crashed into another wall and broke. The crane crumbled into a thousand pieces because you see, it was a very old crane.  
  
"I knew there were flying bugs and crawling bugs . . ." Rick said not noticing the mess he had caused.  
  
"Rick!" Jon yelled.  
  
"Maybe there are slithering one's too. But talking ones? I wonder what species they belong to . . ." Rick continued to speculate.  
  
"Who cares!" Are yelled. "I found a way in!" He said pointing through a small hole the crane had caused. It seemed the wall Rick's crane had crashed through, didn't have another wall behind it. Are looked longingly at his bulldozer. Maybe they would run into more walls and he'd get a chance to use it!  
  
  
"Come on!" Jon yelled. "Who knows what that mongrel's doing with my poor nightlight!"  
  
"Aren't you worried about your sister?" Are asked.   
  
"Oh yes." Jon remembered. "But my poor nightlight . . ."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
[Sorry to those of you who do not like bugs. I just had to bring them back! And they will be in the story later too. So boycott me! I love the bugs! They are a mummy's best friend! Did I give you funny images in your head? Like Jon getting freaked out by a bug? And Ardeth getting worked up over a bulldozer? Poor Beni doesn't get his promotion!]  
  
Y'all should pretty well know the routine by now. I always put up two chapters at a time. So don't stop reading now. I don't think there are any bugs in the next chapter. So read up! 


	18. Butter, pens, and powder! Oh my!

Chapter 18: Butter, Pens, and Powder! Oh my!  
  
Some reason Imhotep, Beni, and Evelyn didn't hear the destruction going on to Hamanatra's outside walls.   
  
"I can't see!" Beni said and plugged in Jon's nightlight into the wall.   
  
Then Evelyn and Beni were too busy watching Imhotep putting the sacred golden Band-Aids on this girl mummy.  
  
"Who's that?" Beni finally said.  
  
"A girl named Anck!" Imhotep said which is the name of this story in case you didn't know or need to be reminded.  
  
"She is my love . . ." Imhotep said cooing over the dried out corpse. This looked a little strange to the two humans standing on the side watching Imhotep. Evelyn and Beni. (Sitting in a tree . . . )  
  
  
"When will I get to meet her sister!" Beni interrupted Imhotep's 'moment' with the dead girl.   
  
Imhotep looked at him angrily. "Just asking . . ." Beni said in a small voice.  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
Meanwhile Jon and Are were trying to push Rick through the hole he had caused by the crane. Well at least Are was pushing. Jon wasn't really helping. Hard work and Jon didn't belong in the same sentence. I mean . . . Whoops . . .  
  
"I don't know why I can't get through!" Rick yelled. "I got through the sewer hole."  
  
"Gravity must have been helping you then . . ." Are grunted.  
  
"You didn't happen to put on any weight since then?" Jon asked merely leaning against Rick. Hey! He was helping, as he believed.  
  
"Here try some butter." Jon. said and somehow found a stick of butter in a refrigerator that appeared out of no where. Then the fridge disappeared back to no where. (Bet you didn't see that one coming.  
  
They rubbed the butter onto Rick, which caused him much discomfort because it . . . tickled him.  
  
"He, He, He!" Rick laughed. "That tickles!'  
  
Then Rick popped through making this big popping noise as he was still laughing.  
  
"Who knew you could have so much fun with butter!" Rick laughed.  
  
Then a pen fell out of Jon's pocket and fell to the floor making a tiny little noise.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
Imhotep, Beni, and Evelyn who had not heard all the construction. Who had not heard Jon.'s blabbering about the bug. Who had not heard the loud crash of the crane. They hadn't even heard Rick's laughing and popping noise as he slipped through the hole.  
  
What they did hear was the little noise of Jon's pen dropping. Isn't it Ironic? (Don't you think? It's like rain on your wedding date. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, and all that other ironic stuff.)  
  
"He's come to rescue me!" Evelyn cheered. "Isn't it romantic?" She said to Beni with a sigh.  
  
"Yeah, I wish somebody would save me!" He mumbled annoyed that Rick was here.  
  
Then Imhotep took out a white looking baby powder substance.   
  
"This ought to wake them up!' He said blowing it on these pictures of slaves on the wall. When he said that it made me really suspicious . . .  
  
The pictures, I guess, sniffed the white powder and came alive! I never asked him what that white powder is, but if it can make the walls come alive I'd say it's some really powerful stuff!   
  
  
"Whoa! Master Imhotep! Can I have some of that stuff?" Beni asked.  
  
Imhotep looked at him annoyed. "It would kill you!" He growled.  
  
"Beside's I don't have anymore." He lied.  
  
Then he looked at the wall people who had some alive. "Wake the other's! And kill the intruder's!"  
  
"No!" Evelyn yelped but wasn't about to try and stop the now alive pictures. They were ugly stone mummies or something.  
  
"Go to sleep!" Imhotep ordered Evelyn pointing to the sacrifice table.  
  
"No!" she pouted like a spoiled little three year old.  
  
"Yes!" Imhotep said like an exasperated father.  
  
"Make me!" She argued like a little girl.  
  
"NOW!" Imhotep yelled like a father losing his temper.  
  
"Do I get a bedtime story?" Evelyn asked pouting but sitting down on the sacrifice table.  
  
After Imhotep read her "Golden Anck and the three Mummies", "Little golden painted Riding Hood", and "Imhotep the Ugly Mummy." Evelyn was still wide awake, but Beni was fast asleep on the floor.  
  
"Can I go to the bathroom?" She asked.  
  
"No." He said simply.  
  
"Can I get a glass of water?"  
  
"No!"  
  
Imhotep shook Beni awake. "Do not eat me CinderAnck!" He yelled.  
  
Then Imhotep took out a pocket watch and waved it in front of Evelyn's face. "You are getting very sleepy!" He droned in a monotone voice.  
  
Suddenly Beni fell over asleep. "Not you!" Imhotep yelled and kicked him to wake Beni up again.  
  
Eventually Imhotep did manage to get Evelyn to go to sleep. And he tied her up to the table.  
  
  
  
So what do you think? I know this was kind off short. Continue? Of course. But not today . . . 


	19. This chapter is about Jon!

If you like Jonathan, read this chapter. If you don't like Jonathan, read this chapter. Because this chapter is all about Jonathan or also known in this story as Jon. I have a whole chapter dedicated to him and it is this one. I just had to show you how goofy he really is, as if you never knew. So it is Jon revealed, in this chapter! Are you ready to read? Well then . . . READ! And review. But do that after you read.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 19: This chapter is about Jon!  
  
As Rick popped through the hole and Are and Jon had entered after them they noticed they had entered a big dark room.   
  
"Where are we?" Rick as licking off the last of the butter Jon had rubbed on him.   
  
"I can't see." Jon stated uselessly.  
  
"Look over here!" Are yelled and Rick and Jon ran over to see what he was talking about. Are was pointing to a tiny golden switch on the wall. It was facing down with the writing "off" underneath it. And the word "on" above it. In English, mind you. Don't ask me how it got there! Hamanatra is a strange place. Like I really need to tell you!  
  
"Do you think we should switch it on?" Are asked hesitantly. And Rick reached toward the switch without hesitating and pulled it up. When Are and Jon realized what he was doing they tried to stop him but it was too late. The switch now faced the word "on" and light filled the really dark room making it a really light room because it was no longer dark . . .  
  
"Must have been a light switch." Jon said. Don't ask me how he made that conclusion. Did light switches even exist back then?  
  
Jon didn't have time to wonder about the golden switch because when he turned around to look at the now light room. He saw the most wonderful thing:   
  
Piles and piles and piles and piles and piles and piles and piles and more piles and piles of gold lay in the well-lighted room. Big piles, little piles, medium piles, HUGE piles, blue piles and red piles, neat piles, scattered piles, old piles, new piles, ALL the piles filled the room of gold. His eyes poofed into money signs and he started chanting "I'm rich! I'm rich!" running about the room jumping for joy like a deranged, deranged person.  
  
Rick found a golden club and bonked Jon on the head to get him out of his "trance." Like a robot shutting down he slowly stopped saying "I'm rich!" while his voice got slower, lower and deeper in tone till her finally stopped saying it all together. And he was ordinary Jon again, as ordinary as he gets.   
  
"You English and their gold!" Are muttered.   
  
"What!" Jon said defensively. "Seeing all this gold doesn't make you crazy!"   
  
"No." Are said simply. "I am a desert person. I value water."  
  
"Plenty of that back home . . ." Jon muttered.  
  
Suddenly Jon realized Rick had bonked his head five minutes ago as the pain just now started to throb his head.   
  
"Ow!" He yelled.  
  
"Why'd you have to hit me with a golden club!" Jon yelled.  
  
"It was the only way to stop you from running around like a crazy person." Rick said.  
  
"But you didn't have to hit me with a golden club!" Jon said staring angrily at the golden club. Then his eyes widened. "Golden club!" He said drool coming out of his mouth as money signs started to appear in his eyes.  
  
"We'd better get out of here!" Are said.   
  
"Your right!" Rick said and so they picked up Jon and carried him out as he continued yelling "Golden club! I want the golden club. Give me the golden club!"  
  
Finally after walking into the heart of Hamanatra Jon had finally calmed down.   
  
Are said "Now where did Evelyn say the book was?"  
  
"What book?" Rick asked.  
  
"The Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109." Are said.  
  
"Huh?" Rick said confused.   
  
"The book used to kill the mummy!" Are said aggravated.   
  
"How can a book kill the mummy?"  
  
"Arg!" Are yelled like a pirate angrily.  
  
"By reading from it!" He said.  
  
"How?" Rick asked confused.  
  
"If reading from a book can reanimate a mummy than I bet reading from another book can unanimate it!" Are said.  
  
Jon just looked on amused at Are's anger.  
  
"But the suspicious guy told us not to read from the book." Rick said.  
  
"Oh for goodness sake!" Jon yelled. "Forget the suspicious guy. Look what happened to him! He became the mummy's dessert because of his superstitious nonsense. Now let's just find the book. It's under some statue with a horse head."  
  
"Horus." Are said.  
  
"What did you say?!" Jon yelled angrily for some reason.  
  
"Did you say Hoars R us?! I don't know about you, but my sexuality is none of your business . . ."  
  
Are looked at him annoyed and said between gritted teeth. "I said 'Horus'. The statue of the guy with a horses head is modeled after the ancient Egyptian god Horus."  
  
"Oh." Jon said a little embarrassed. "Was he a hoar?" Jon asked after a second. They just ignored him and walked opposite the way they came looking for the statue.   
  
As they were walking Jon was blabbering on again. "You know. I was just kidding about wanting to be rich. Money doesn't really mean that much to me. I was just worried about my sister's financial future. Yeah that's it. I'm the only man in her life right now. I have to make sure she is safe and taken care of."  
  
"Right." Are said sarcastically.   
  
"The only thing I like more than gold is . . ." Jon was saying.  
  
They started walking past the Magic Graveyard Hamanatra Bar as Jon's eyes grew big.  
  
" . . .BEER!" He yelled finishing his sentence and also asking for some from the mummified bar tender. Rick and Are didn't even see him get to the bar. He ran so fast it looked as if he had disappeared and reappeared in front of the bar tender who was busy wiping a stain on the table that never came off with rag.   
  
"Come on Jon!" Rick yelled. "We don't have time for this!"  
  
"Just one drink!" Jon pleaded. "I haven't had one all day."  
  
"Yes you did." Are argued.  
  
"Well it feels like I haven't had one all day!" Jon said and Rick and Are sighed and tried to pull him off of the bar stool but it was as if he had suddenly gained a ton and they could not make him budge.  
  
Just then a gang of mummies walked in and formed a group at the edge of the bar.   
  
"I don't trust those gang of mummies." Are stated and Rick looked at them nervously.   
  
"If only I had my fifty guns." He muttered.  
  
  
  
  
  
Perhaps not as funny as the other chapters and still missing the action. But the next chapter is pretty funny. Read "Mummies love their beer" in the next chapter. 


	20. Mummies love their beer! Your-In!

Chapter 20: Mummies love their beer! Your-In!  
  
  
Jon, Rick, and Are had only been at the bar for two minutes and already trouble was brewing. For one thing Jon was already drunk and when he was drunk he didn't always make very good decisions. Some mummies had walked into the bar and sat at the end of the bar being rowdy. Are and Rick looked nervously at them. It was not everyday they got to see mummies in there natural environment. It was not everyday they saw mummies actually up and walking around. It was not everyday they saw mummies at all, but especially not drunk ones like these.   
  
Jon saw the mummy party and couldn't stand to not be the life of the party. So before Rick or Are knew it he was over their with his arm around one of the rotting corpses giving toast to the air and gulping down the brew.  
  
Rick and Are went over to Jon and pulled him aside.  
  
"Can I talk to you Jon!" Rick asked.  
  
"I don't think it's a good idea to be hanging out with these Mummies." Rick said and Are nodded his head in agreement.   
  
"Oh. Why not?" Jon asked knocking Rick hardly on the back.   
  
  
"We're already fast friends." He said waving to a hot blond girl who just happened to be a mummy. Big surprise! : )   
  
The gang of mummies started singing "Oh he's a jolly good fellow! Oh he's a jolly good fellow!"  
  
They walked over to Jon and lifted him up into the air.   
  
"Oh he's a jolly good fellow! Which nobody can deny!"  
  
Jon was, in fact, having the time of his life while Rick and Are Deth looked on nervously. Jon looked at them.   
  
"Oh come on Rick! You've got to taste this beer! Hamanatra sure knows how to brew the stuff!"  
  
Rick grabbed a mug and Are put his hand on his arm.  
  
"Are you sure that's a wise idea?" Are asked.  
  
Rick ignored one and lifted it up to his lips. Imagine it now. The mug is lifting and lifting and lifting in slow motion. It's lifting, oh it's still lifting. Did I mention it is lifting. (You have to remember it is a very suspenseful moment because this is mummies beer and who knows what it will do if a human drinks it. Even though Jon drank it . . . But he can drink anything so he doesn't count. Years of drinking have made him immune to the negative effects of drinking or maybe it just made him dumb, I don't know.) But know this Rick is lifting the mug full of beer up to his lips. Got that picture? Good. He's still lifting the mug. And finally it reaches his lips and . . .   
  
  
  
  
The crowd cheers!  
  
  
  
. . .   
  
  
  
  
A band plays in the background!  
  
  
  
. . .   
  
  
  
Bikini models wrap their arms around Rick!  
  
  
  
  
. . .  
  
  
  
  
A huge spotlight shines behind him and his mug of beer!  
  
  
  
. . .  
  
  
Gold litters his feet!  
  
  
  
. . .   
  
  
  
  
Some people start dancing the can-can.   
  
  
  
  
. . .And I just lied because none of that stuff just happened.  
  
He finally got the mug of beer to his lips and drank and . . .  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Nothing special happened.   
  
  
  
He just lowered his mug and smiled. (I could do a beer commercial!)  
  
"Mmm! That does taste pretty good. Much better than the stuff they serve you at Cairo prison."  
  
  
"What did they serve you there?" Jon said curiously.  
  
"I think it was a special brand called something like 'Your-In'. Tasted kind of sour if you ask me."  
  
"Your in?" Are asked puzzled.   
  
"Yourin?" He said as if trying to figure out something.  
  
"Ur in?" And then he got it.  
  
"URINE!!!!! They served you urine!" he yelled at Rick.  
  
"That's what I said. They served me 'Your In'." Rick said not seeing what the big deal was.  
  
"They served you pee!" Are yelled. "Urine is another word for pee!"  
  
"Oh." Rick said innocently. "No wonder it tasted so bad."  
  
"Bad luck, old mum." Jon said laughing his you know what off.   
  
"English isn't even my native tongue and I even knew that!" Are yelled. He knew he shouldn't be hanging out with these Bimbo's!  
  
The mummies saw that Jon was laughing and asked him what he was laughing at.   
  
"Old Rick here drank pee!" He said amusingly trying not to burst out laughing again.  
  
"What's so funny about that?" One of the mummies asked. "That's one of the special ingredients in out beer!"   
  
With that Jon spit it out and peered suspiciously into his mug. "Ah well." He said and took another swig.  
  
"So why are you here anyways?" One of the smaller mummies asked.  
  
  
"Yeah we don't see to many living people here." A low-pitched voice of some mummy commented.  
  
"I came here a couple days ago." Jon said. "I didn't see you here!" Jon continued.  
  
"We were sleeping." a mummy answered. "Yeah. Imhotep woke us up to go kill these people but old Immy won't mind if we have a drink first. Yeah. Just one!"  
  
With that Jon's eyes widened. "You're only going to have one!" Jon yelled.  
  
"Uh, time to go." Rick said.  
  
"We have to find a book." Jon explained.  
  
"Might go to the library." The bartender pointed to the right direction.  
  
"Come on Jon." Growled Are and hauled him out of his seat.  
  
"Bye guy's. We gotta go kill ourselves a mummy and stop him from performing a sacrifice."  
  
Are and Rick looked at Jon unbelievably. But the mummies didn't seem offended.  
  
"Come on Jon!" Rick growled and pinched his shoulder making this painful bone crunching noise.  
  
"Bye mummies! See you in the afterlife!" Jon yelled as Rick and Are dragged him to the Hamanatra library.  
  
"Say wasn't ol' Immy gonna perform a sacrifice?" One of the mummies in the gang at the bar said.  
  
"Yeah!" One small mummy who we don't even know how he was walking around because he was just about to turn to dust. But like I said, Imhotep's 'fairy dust' must have been pretty strong to even wake up a corpse that's just about to be labeled as dust instead of corpse. This same one suddenly realized. "And isn't Immy a mummy?"   
  
They all looked at this mummy strangely.  
  
"We're all mummies!" A dark voiced mummy who was exceptionally juicy said to him sarcastically. "You must be a little extra rotted in the brains if you couldn't remember that!" He said bonking this one mummy one the head. Sure enough a hollow sound came from it. His head still stayed in tact surprisingly.  
  
"So they're going after Immy?" One of the gang asked.  
  
"Looks like it." This same juicy mummy said.  
  
  
"That means we're supposed to kill him!" Another spoke up.  
  
"Oh man! That Jon dude was kind off cool."  
  
"Yeah too bad." The juicy mummy said sarcastically. "I'll really enjoy killing him."  
  
"Let's go." This mummy said who seemed to be the boss of the whole group. The whole gang of mummies walked after the three non-mummies who had gone to the Hamanatra library. Before he had gotten far. The juicy mummy hurried back and took one more swig of alcohol. He had to preserve himself somehow. Unfortunately the dusty mummy never made it that far and was now just a pile of dust in the chair. "Too bad brother." The juicy mummy said and blew him away.   
Instead of being a dusty mummy he was now a dust bunny! (I just had to put that in there!)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
[Is Evelyn really afraid of rats. And how is Rick going to fight without his guns. What's Beni up to meanwhile. Find out when I decide to post my next chapter. If you were disappointed by these chapters, don't worry I assure you this story will get better. This story has been going through ups and downs throughout the whole thing. I really think I am a genius when I thought of the whole 'Your in' thing. You should have seen me when I thought of that. I was running through the house yelling "I'm a genius!" Did you get that joke right away? If you still don't get it too bad. You better get it. That is the finest joke I've come up with yet. Even though it is kind off disgusting.] 


	21. Rats don't talk

Here's next chapter. Enjoy. Almost finished with story and am going to the next movie which I have a lot of good ideas for. : )  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 21: Rats don't talk  
  
As you probably already know, Rick, Jon and Are were wasting their time in Hamanatra and only after getting distracted by a room full of gold, going the wrong way, and stopping at the bar were they finally making their way to the library to find the "Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109." As you can see, Imhotep had plenty of time to perform the sacrifice, but he was too busy reading Evelyn her Mummy tale stories. Now as Rick, Jon and Are were walking to the library Imhotep was just beginning the ceremony. He went to get the book "Guide on How to Rise Mummies from the Dead and Bring About the Destruction of the World, volume 8." Right after he left the room Evelyn woke up to find herself chained with this dirty ugly rat on her stomach.   
  
"Oh dear rat sir!" She said sincerely.  
  
"Please help me."  
  
The rat just stared at her with its beady black eyes and it's pink nose twitching. Evelyn tugged at the chains.   
  
"Oh dear Mister Rat. Could you please chew through these chains?"  
  
The rat just stared at her cluelessly or better said, without a clue.   
  
"I guess rats can't chew through chains." Evelyn said downcast.  
  
"Then could you at least go get Rick and the other's, Mister Rat?" she asked sweetly.  
  
The rat just stared not saying anything because . . . um, rats can't talk. Apparently Evelyn didn't realize this. What she suddenly did realize was that she was horrified of rats. She screamed terrified and tried to push the rat off her stomach by twisting to her left only to realize a mummy corpse was grinning at her. It was Anck-su-namun's corpse and it seemed to be grinning at her. The rat hopped off onto the corpse and onto the floor. Luckily the corpse wasn't alive or she would have screamed too.   
  
Just then Imhotep came back and saw that Evelyn had woken. He opened the book and smiled mischievously at Evelyn. She looked up at him nervously. Why had he had her chained? She weakly pulled at the chains, but to no avail. Even though they were old, the chains were still strong.  
  
Imhotep opened the book and set it down in Evelyn's stomach. "Off!" She said. "Watch out that thing is heavy!" She yelled. "Sorry." He sheepishly said in Egyptian. "Yet you are gonna die anyway!" He said almost cheery like.  
  
"What! But I wasn't put in this story to die!" She yelled.  
  
"I'm gonna sacrifice you and usually that means you will be, um sort of dead." Imhotep mumbled.   
  
"Oh! I guess your right." Evelyn said thoughtfully. "I keep forgetting about the sacrifice thing. All right then. Carry on." She said. Then screamed "Hurry up Rick and Jon!"  
  
But nobody heard her except the rats. And rats don't talk. As we already found out earlier. If only they did, then they could have told our three hero's that Evelyn was just about close to death with the whole sacrificing business. But our hero's three still had not found the other book yet. But we will learn about them in the next chapter. One thing though, if you are ever chained to a big stone slab or sacrificing table and you happen to see a rat. Don't bother talking to it because once again, RATS DON'T TALK!  
  
  
  
[Pretty short chapter I suppose. Longer one coming up next . . .] 


	22. The Precious Pea shooter

You waited and waited. Now the day has finally come! Finally some action will be taking place and Rick may just get his guns back! The battle between our hero's and our bad guys begins today! So sit back and enjoy this . . . rather dusty battle between good and not-so-evil-but-still-not-good.  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 22: The Precious Pee Shooter  
  
  
Meanwhile Rick, Jon, and Are had found the library. Shelves of ancient books filled the room reaching up to the ceiling.   
  
"We'll never find the book!" Jon yelled in frustration.   
  
"Yes we will! Look!" Rick said pointing to the middle of the room where an small ivory statue of Horus the size of a fist sat on top of a golden book with a bright light shining on it from a hole in the roof.   
  
"Well that was easy!" Jon yelled grabbing the book.  
  
"Strange, I would have expected something a lot more elaborate and challenging." Are said suspiciously.  
  
"Not so fast!" A voice from no where said.  
  
They looked around confused because they saw no one.   
  
"Who are you!" Jon finally yelled.  
  
"I am the ghost of Christmas past . . ."  
  
"Huh?" They all wondered aloud.  
  
"I think you got the wrong story . . ." Jon yelled at the ghost. But they didn't have time to worry about it becausea gang of mummies were approaching.  
  
"Have you come to have a drink with me!" Jon asked raising a cup of his secretly stashed beer. Don't ask me where he hid it!  
  
"NO!" A dark and evil mummy said dark and evilly. "We've come to kill you!" he said again dark and evilly because he was a dark and evil mummy.   
  
They all looked at the gang of mummies in fright. Just then they heardBeni jingling down the hall. They all stopped to watch Beni walk/jingle by. Beni didn't seem to notice anybody, as he was busy dragging around a big black bag. Jon almost started singing "Jingle Bells" because of Beni's jingling shoes, but both Rick and Are boxed him in the ears so Jon heard a ringing in his ears to go along with Beni's jingling.  
  
Everyone stopped to watch as Beni walked in the room and still didn't notice the mummies or the hero's because he was too preoccupied dragging the big black bag through the room. He finally stopped to take a rest and wipe the prespiration from his forhead. He was quite unaware that he had stopped smack in the middle of the gang of mean mummies and our gang of hero's. Suddenly he saw the mummies.  
  
"Eek!" He eeked and jumped back from the mummies and into Rick.   
  
"Hello Beni!" Rick said haughtily.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Beni screeched and ran out of the room more scared that Rick would hurt him than the mummies.   
  
"Bye, bye Beni. We could have had something . . ." Rick said sniffing and wiping an invisible tear from his eye.  
  
"Oh not that again!" Jon said frustrated.  
  
The mummies just stood there confused at the whole ordeal.  
  
"Let's see what our ol' Beni was up too." Rick said walking cautiously over to the bag and looking into it. The mummies just stood there.   
  
"Beni stole my guns!" Rick said pulling out all 50 of his guns. "Beni stole my guns, AGAIN!" Rick said examining them.   
  
"Let me have one." Are said grabbing the biggest one.  
  
"That's my trusty balck Widow." Rick said patting the gun Are had chosen. "Take care of her."  
  
"I will." Are said seriously.  
  
"I want some guns too!" Jon complained wanting to get on in the action as well.  
  
Rick gave him two of the smallest guns he had.  
  
"What's the name of these guns?" Jon said waving them wildly around because he was drunk.   
  
Rick took a look at them and answered, "The one on your left is named Pea Shooter and the other one is Einny Minnie. Some good times I had with her . . ."  
  
"Are you ready for us to kill you already?!" One of the mummies in the gang said. (They hadn't moved ever since Beni had left!)  
  
"Uh, hold on!" Rick said and examined the rest of his 50 guns. After cocking all of them, he pointed them at the mummies as said "Ok. We're ready."   
  
With that, all the mummies made their war cry and rushed at the group. They all shot at the mummies, which made dust fly all over the place. After coughing a lot, the mummies were still coming but had aquired a bunch of holes.   
  
"Now they are madder than before!" Are realized.  
  
"No, now they're a holy mummies!" Jon said making a joke at the most inapropriate time possible. Then Jon realized he was out of bullets and threw one of the guns at the mummies as they all backed up.   
  
"Hey! That was my precious Pee Shooter!" Rick yelled and looked longingly at the gun being blocked from recovery by the mummies.  
  
Suddenly Are jumped in from of Rick and Jon. "Go save the girl and kill the creature!" He yelled getting ready to fight off the mummies.   
  
  
"What about you?" Rick asked.  
  
"I'll be fine. Just go!"  
  
"It's not a good idea to take on a bunch of drunk mummies you know! Or any mummies at all!" Jon speculated.  
  
"GO!" Are yelled and turned to the mummies and declared, "I challenge you to a contest!"  
  
The mummies, who must walk pretty slow because they had still not caught up to the heros, now stopped wondering what this guy in black robes was talking about.  
  
"What sort of contest?" One mummy said. It might have been the dark and evil one, but we don't kow for sure.  
  
"An arm wresling contest!" Are declared and pushed his sleeve all the way up to his shoulder showing off an exceptionally strong arm.   
  
"Come on." Rick told Jon. "Looks like Are can take care of himself."  
  
"But I want to watch the arm wresling contest!" Jon whined but Rick tugged at him.  
  
"Don't worry!" Are yelled back. "I won every championship among the Med Jai guards!"  
  
What he didn't mention was that he had never arm wresled a mummy, but I guess he didn't need to mention that small fact because I'm sure you already assumed that.  
  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
How was that? So much action! Such a thriller and such a comedy, at the same time! Woo hoo! I hope I get more review than last time. I was rather disapointed. But maybe you didn't like those chapters as much. Or perhaps you are getting tired of this story already. I wonder if there has ever been such a long parody like this before. I'll never know.  
  
Oh yes. I'm not sure if I ever did any type of disclaimer to this story. So in order for me to stay out of any legal trouble, I'm just telling you I do not own The Mummy and it's characters. But you already pretty much knew that . . .I hope. 


	23. Getting Ready for the Kill

The last chapter seemed to have a Christmas theme to it. Did you notice that with the Ghost of Christmas Past and Jon singing "Jingle Bells" to go along with Beni's shoes?  
  
Now we are almost through with this story! I'd like to make a shout out to all you loyal fans. In case you were wondering, I will do a sequel to this story probably called, "A girl named Evie." More on that later. Now sit back and enjoy the story!  
  
In this chapter, Anck will finally be raised from her grave! And then die again. And then come back alive again. And then die again. And then come back alive again. And then . . .   
  
Well you get the idea. Just read and you'll know what I'm talking about.  
  
  
Chapter 23: Getting ready for the kill!  
  
Right now imagine a dark and dreary chamber with a girl chained to a table with some really hunky-looking guy standing over her about to stab her! This girl was none other than Evelyn, and this guy was none other than The Mummy! Better Known As Imhotep.   
  
"What are you doing?" Evelyn screamed as she watched the dagger being raised up in the air about to plunge into her stomach.  
  
"I'm going to sacrifice you!" Imhotep said getting ready for the kill!  
  
"What! You never told me you were gonna do that!" Evelyn yelled struggling with the chains.  
  
"Yes I did!" Imhotep answered still getting ready for the kill.  
  
"I must have forgotten." Evelyn said, who truly couldn't remember that Imhotep wanted to sacrifice her from the very beginning.   
  
"With your death Anck-su-namun will be awake!" Imhotep said, um, still getting ready to kill Evelyn. (He was taking his time . . .)  
  
Just then a voice spoke besides Evelyn.  
  
"I am awake, Imbecile!"   
  
Was it a rat? No, rats don't talk. (We already discussed this!) It was none other than who this story is named for, Anck-su-namun! Or Anck, for short.  
  
"Anck!" Imhotep said and rushed over to her side.   
  
  
"Imhotep!" Anck exclaimed. And they both hugged right then and there was emotional music playing in the background. These two had not seen each other in 3000 years and had a lot of catching up to do.  
  
Unfortunately Evelyn ruined the moment. "Um, excuse me." She said in a small voice a little annoyed at being ignored. "I'm still waiting to be sacrificed you know."  
  
Imhotep grabbed the dagger again and walked over to Evelyn again. And Anck died again.   
  
"I mean, if you don't want to go through with this, I completely understand . . ." Evelyn said fearfully eyeing the dagger.  
  
"I must." Imhotep said simply and raised the dagger again getting ready for the kill.  
  
Anck came alive again and looked around groggily as if waking up from a long sleep.  
  
Just then Jon tumbled in.   
  
"Hey Evelyn! I got the book!" Jon said holding it up in the air.  
  
"Hurry Jon! Read the inscription! It is the only way to stop him!"  
  
"The 'Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109.'" Imhotep muttered. "I thought all those copies were destroyed!"  
  
He certainly didn't want anyone to read it and started to walk over to Jon to retrieve the book so Jon couldn't read it. Then he noticed that Anck had once again died. He cursed in Egyptian. How many times must this girl die!   
  
"Oh! Watch your mouth, Mummy!" Evelyn said because she was the only one who knew the whole vocabulary of ancient Egyptian curse words. This woman didn't do much except study Egyptian stuff. I mean I should say she didn't do ANYTHING, except study Egyptian stuff. But knowing all the Egyptian curse words by heart did have its advantages on the highway.  
  
Imhotep ignored this remark and went over to his beloved Anck. He shook her violently. "Wake up, Anck!" He pleaded. She woke up. Or should I say, she came back alive again. She weakly raised her hand up to his face. "Go kill someone for me." She said.   
  
He smiled at his beloved. "It will be just like old times, right?" She smiled and once again, died. Again. I don't really understand why she kept dying and coming back to life. Must be something to do with Imhotep screwing up the ceremony.  
  
He angrily walked over to Jon. Jon seeing him coming said with his voice shaking, "I guess I should read the book now."  
  
"Go ahead, Jon! Hurry!" Evelyn said twisting to see what was going on.   
  
  
Jon began to read the inscription,   
  
"A B C D E F G . . . "   
  
((((Remember this from chapter 3?)))  
  
Evelyn was still struggling to see what Jon was doing. What Jon was doing was reading the inscription and slowly backing away from the mummy who was walking up to him.  
  
Little did anyone know that Rick was sneaking up to them, acting like some sort of spy. He would tip toe across an area and then quickly hide between each crevice and shadow he could find, flattening himself up against the wall making a really scrunched up face.  
  
Suddenly he flew, literally, over to Evelyn.   
  
"Hi, Evelyn! I've come to save you!" Evelyn looked at him cheerfully the looked behind him with fear in her face. Just then Rick realized that about a dozen mummies were standing around him.  
  
"How did they get here?" He exclaimed but didn't have time to worry because they were all after him. And he had left his guns in one of the crevices!  
  
"Here!" Someone said holding out a sword.   
  
"I've never used one of these things before." Rick said waving the sword clumsily around accidentally chopping off one of the mummy's heads in the process.  
  
Everyone including Evelyn looked at Rick surprised.   
  
"Cool!" Rick said and again clumsily swinging the sword around like in one of those circus acts and cutting off one of the mummy's arm and another's leg.   
  
So there Rick was clumsily swinging this sword around cutting off these mummy's body parts this way and that, by pure luck I suppose. He never got touched by the mummies; only by their dust as it flew everywhere along with their body parts.  
  
"Hey! That was my arm!" One mummy said as he watched his arm fall to the floor.  
  
Another mummy lost his head and started a juggling act. Rick who wanted to be the only circus performer, messed up this juggling mummy's act and cut off his torso.  
  
"Try juggling that!" Rick said fiercely!  
  
Meanwhile Imhotep was almost upon Jon and Jon was still reading the inscription.   
  
  
". . . L M N O P . . ."  
  
Just then a whole army of guard mummies came out from no where anyone knew about.   
  
"Where'd they come from?" Jon yelled, but because we already know no one knew where they came from, everyone just ignored him too busy with their own troubles.  
  
Rick finally got through chopping all the mummies up into little pieces and he banged his sword on the chains that bound Evelyn. The chains, who were still strong after all these years didn't break. You didn't expect a simple sword to cut through metal did you?  
  
He then found a saw and started sawing through the chains, but the saw just broke.  
  
Then he found a hammer and started banging on the chains but only ended up stubbing his thumb!  
  
Finally after much frustration (and tending to his thumb) Rick grabbed one of those construction drills and tried with all his might to drill through the chains. They must have been enchanted because the chains did not break.  
  
"Maybe you should try the keys?" Evelyn suggested pointing to a pair of key's hanging on the wall.  
  
"Good idea!" Rick said and got the keys and started trying to fit all of them in the keyhole. He eventually found the right key and freed Evelyn from her cold sacrificing slab. Then Evelyn looked down in fear as the mummy parts were somehow crawling after Rick.  
  
They made Rick trip and fall to the ground, grabbed him, and started TICKLING HIM!  
  
"Oh! Ew Hoo! He, He! Hah! AHAHAHAHAHAH ahahahaahah ahahaha haha ahaa haahaha hooh haha hoo how haa hee heee hahaha ho o hih hohhiho hohihuhuhh ehhahahahahah hahhhhuhuhihihh oihohihohiohhha hahahahahhwahehaehahehaeha hehhhiohihohuhio uhohuho ihohihoh uyhhou hoiohuhha ehaehwhrher" Rick laughed uncontrollably.   
  
Evelyn didn't have time to worry about him, because Jon was calling for her all the way across the room.   
  
"Um! Evelyn!" Jon yelled. "We seem to have some company!" He said pointing over to the army of mummy guards.  
  
"Finish the inscription, Jon. You can control them!" Somehow she knew this without anybody even telling her.  
  
Jon, who had more than enough time to finish the inscription suddenly remembered that he was supposed to be reading it and started over again.   
  
  
"A B C D E F G H I J . . ."  
  
Rick finally managed to grab his sword with the help of one of the mummy's hand and chopped the mummy's body parts into even littler pieces.   
  
"There! That should take care of them!" Rick exclaimed dusting himself off.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
[Find out who has stinky breath in the next chapter! And will Anck finally wake up and not die again? Find out, next chapter. Go ahead, read it. ]   
  
: ) 


	24. Our breath stinks!

Chapter 24: Our breath stinks!  
  
  
  
Imhotep stopped chasing Jon as he got a good idea in his head.   
  
"Kill them!" He ordered the guards who were just standing there, using ancient Egyptian. Now you must understand, these where the same guards that had given Imhotep "The Big Ouchy" in the first place. Yet right now they were mindless guards, obeying anyone who told them to do anything. Not much had changed over the years with these guy's except there appearance which was mummy-like. They were still stupid guards because they simply obeyed anyone who spoke. If Imhotep had told them to kill themselves they would have done it. If he told them to jump off a bridge they would do it. See, they were stupid and mindless walking corpses. Sort of like when they were alive except the fact that they were not corpses then. : )  
  
They marched over to Evelyn and Rick.  
  
"Looks like you got some more chopping to do." Evelyn speculated.   
  
"Can't we just settle this over a beer!" Rick said holding up a beer that had magically transported from the Magic Graveyard Hamanatra bar.   
  
"Good idea, Rick! Beer settles everything!" Jon called from the sidelines. Jon looked longingly at the beer and longed for it because he had dropped his secret stash.  
  
The mummy guard looked at each other in curiosity thinking Rick's suggestion wasn't really so bad.   
  
"Kill them!" Imhotep repeated and they acted in order to obey him because they were mindless guards who obeyed anything anyone said to them.  
  
Just then Anck had woken up again and grabbed Evelyn.   
  
"I'm tired of waiting to be risen from the dead, Imhotep! I'll have to kill the sacrifice myself!" Anck yelled dragging Evelyn by the hair.  
  
"Men can't do anything right!" She complained to Evelyn getting ready to stab her.   
  
"Tell me about it." Evelyn said getting free from Anck's hair grab. "I only ask for a simple rescue and this is what I get." Evelyn said casting her hand in the direction of Rick who was now getting ready to face the guards.  
  
"I guess it's up to me to kill you!" Anck said swiping her dagger towards Evelyn but missing.  
  
"And I guess it's up to me to stop Imhotep." Evelyn said ducking away from another dagger blow.  
  
"Yi haw!" Anck yelled chasing Evelyn around pillars and such. Evelyn screamed and ran away with the mummy girl, Anck chasing after her.  
  
"Hurry up Jon!" Evelyn yelled.  
  
"I seem to remember a certain person saying, Patience is a virtue!"  
  
"Not when someone is trying to kill you!" Evelyn screamed annoyed at Jon for going so slow. (Jon must have forgot he was supposed to be reading the inscription and started over. AGAIN!)  
  
Rick was left alone to fight the guard mummies by himself. He screamed at them trying to scare them off.  
  
"Ahhhh!" He yelled.  
  
All the mummies looked at him and each other in curiosity of this human who would yell at them.   
  
Finally after a moment of speculation one guard said, "You should really take a breath mint." One guard said. "Because your breath stinks!"  
  
"But sir, we got stinkier breath than that!" Another guard pointed out.  
  
"We do?" Another said. And they started blowing in their hands and then sniffing them trying to catch a smell of their breath.  
  
"I guess, we're supposed to. We haven't brushed our teeth for a very long time."   
  
"But now, we don't even have teeth!"  
  
"Does that mean we don't have to brush our teeth?"   
  
  
"He has teeth!" A guard said pointing at Rick, who was very much confused by now.  
  
"He also has bad breath!" Another pointed out.   
  
"Our breath stinks!" Another mummy pointed put again. (Who knew parents named their kid's Another!)  
  
"Smell this, human!" A mummy said and they all opened their mouth's really wide and even detached their jaws from where ever they're supposed to be connected.   
  
They all blew their breath at him and Rick almost fainted at the 3000 year old stinky breath.  
  
He waved his hand in front of his nose. "You're right!" Rick admitted. "Your breath does stink."  
  
"Yeah. Our breath stinks." Another mummy said again.  
  
"Maybe we could star in one of those breath mint commercials . . ."  
  
"Or perhaps we should see a doctor about our stinky breath!"  
  
"But our Doctor's dead. Besides I don't have insurance. It expired 2000 years ago!"  
  
"All we have to do is take a breath mint!"  
  
"But they don't sell them here!"  
  
"Your right! I guess we are supposed to have stinky breath."  
  
"Perhaps being dead a while makes your breath stink!"  
  
"You think so? I told them when they bury me, to put extra breath mints in the coffin. I guess they forgot."  
  
"We could all use a breath mint you know."  
  
"What were we supposed to be doing again?" One mummy finally said after this went on for a while. Like I said, mindless and stupid mummies.  
  
"Kill them!" Imhotep yelled again. Imhotep bonked his head against the wall in frustration. Could these guards not do anything right! They couldn't even stop him from rising from the dead! He looked over at Jon who was still reading the inscription really slow.  
  
" . . . K . . .L . . . M . . . N . . .O . . ."  
  
  
Then he looked over in admiration at Anck who was trying to kill Evelyn. "That's my girl!" He thought and for some odd reason got a kick out of watching her mummy wrappings slowly fall to the ground . . .  
  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
You know I couldn't finish the story yet! You don't want me to rush through it do you? Tell me what you think about these two chapters. I hope I lived up to my other 22 chapters. It took me a while to write these though. Hope you enjoyed. : ) I just love bringing Anck into the picture now! 


	25. Two Parallel Lines

Hey. I'm back. I actually focused my time on writting Diablo 2 stories but nobody reviews you much over there. I know I'll get reviews over here and perhaps I should write more mummy fiction! I still got that cat story, huh? You probably forgot about that one. Plus I got that strange poetry story, "Land of the Living." And there are two more strange ideas forming in my head for mummy stories. So I guess you can say I converted back to the Mummy side!  
  
Oh yes! Time to celebrate! I've got over a HUNDRED reviews! I'll have to do a little memorial for those who reviewed consistently. (You know who you are.)  
  
So no more postponing! Here is the next two chapters! I had a touch of Writer's Block for a while. Terrible disease that is.  
  
: )  
  
Chapter 25: Two parallel lines  
  
So the mummified guards who had really stinky breath, were fighting Rick by orders of Imhotep. Since Rick wasn't very good with swords he was having trouble. Fortunately, the guards were 3000 years behind in practice and they were a little rusty, or should I say dusty, on their fighting skills. Rick ran away, but the mummy's ran after him. They cornered him and one tapped him on the shoulder saying, "You're it!"  
  
Rick looked at him strangely. Imhotep yelled from the sidelines, "You're not playing tag! You are killing him!"  
  
"We are?" The guards asked stopping to scratch there heads just in time for Rick to get away.  
  
"Kill him!" Imhotep was yelling.   
  
"Then who's gonna be it?"  
  
"Arg!" Imhotep growled like a pirate. "Just kill him already! You'll have plenty of time to play tag later!"  
  
Rick tapped the mummy on the shoulder and ran away saying "You're it now!"   
  
The mummy yelled aggravated and they all chased him.  
  
They chased him all over Hamanatra. Through the halls and over the bridges. (To grandmothers house?) The mummies chased them through the library and Rick accidentally knocked down a shelf full of books therefore blocking the mummies path for a minute. Then they got back to the chase through the museum and through the bar, after getting a drink first. Then through the gift shop accidentally breaking priceless antiques.   
  
"You buy what you break!" The mummies yelled after Rick, but he was too busy practicing for the marathon.  
  
Then somehow Rick ended up chasing the mummies through the halls and over bridges. They stopped confused and said, "Weren't we chasing you before?"  
  
"Yes you were." Rick answered.  
  
"Then how come you're chasing us now?"  
  
"I don't know. If you'll give me a head start, I'll run ahead and we can get back on track."  
  
"Yeah." The mummies agreed. "It wouldn't please Imhotep if he knew we messed up this chasing business."  
  
"But aren't we supposed to kill him like Imhotep said?" One of the mummy guards said who had a very good memory.   
  
"Oh yeah. That's right." The other's said who must have had worse memories, but they still remembered at least!  
  
By that time Rick had already had a long enough head start and they started the chase once more.  
  
  
Meanwhile Evelyn was busy getting choked by Anck who was still complaining about Imhotep.  
  
"Men are so incompetent sometimes. I expected to get resurrected a long time ago!"  
  
Evelyn who couldn't talk very well and was using all her strength to keep the dagger in Anck's hand away from her throat, managed to gurgle "I understand your pain."  
  
  
  
After running down the stairs with the mummy guards right behind him, Rick supposably "tripped" and fell to the bottom of the stairs.  
  
The mummies stopped and watched in astonishment as Rick did a somersault in the air, a couple of twirls, and a flip. The guard Mummies clapped in approval and some held up signs with the number 10 on them. It looked as if Rick was about to land gracefully on his feet when suddenly he ended up on his back instead.  
  
"Encore!" One of the mummies yelled and they all ran to the bottom of the stairs with swords in their hands. Rick lay at the bottom and one word was heard coming from his lips. It was the word, "Ouch!"  
  
  
"Kill him!" Imhotep repeated and walked over to Jon who was still stumbling over the passage.  
  
Imhotep reached to where Jon was huddled reading the inscription on the book. When Jon saw him he got scared and forgot his place and started over again. Imhotep reached out for his neck and suddenly Jon said, "Look over there!" pointing to nothing in particular.  
  
"What?" Imhotep said only seeing a bunch of rats.  
  
  
"Kill the one with the stinky breath!" A mummy guard said.  
  
"But we have stinky breath too." Another mummy objected.  
  
"Oh not that again!" The lead guard said. "Let's just kill this guy and then ask Imhotep for a toothbrush."  
  
  
  
" W . . . X . . . Y . . . and . . . " Jon continued. Unfortunately Jon didn't know the last letter of the alphabet.  
  
"I can't make out this last letter!"  
  
Evelyn somehow loosened Anck's grip on her throat and yelled.  
  
"What does it look like?"  
  
"It looks like two parallel lines! Two parallel lines connected by a diagonal line at opposite corners."  
  
"What is this geometry?" Evelyn thought and then remembered back to her grammar school.  
  
"Zee!" She yelled, but just then Anck tightened her grip on Evelyn's throat and Evelyn could say no more.  
  
"Oh that's right!" Jon realized. ". . . W, X, Y and Z"  
  
Imhotep did not understand that Jon had just read the inscription and looked at him confused. "What did you say?"  
  
"I just said my ABC's." Jon answered. Still scared he continued in a squeaky voice, "Next time won't you sing with me?" 


	26. Do not dry clean your immortality.

Chapter 26: Do not dry clean your immortality!  
  
  
  
  
"Die plaque and gingivitis!" The mummies said together and raised their swords.   
  
  
  
The blade that Anck held was getting closer and closer to Evelyn's throat as she saw her life flash before her eyes.  
  
  
  
"I read the inscription, Evelyn! Now what!" Jon yelled ignoring the danger of Imhotep in front of him. He also conveniently ignore the danger Rick was in, who was about to get sliced by the guard's swords and Evelyn who was about to get her throat sliced.  
  
Evelyn didn't answer.  
  
Just then the guard's swords turned into toothbrushes and they began to brush Rick's teeth. "This ought to kill that bad breath!"  
  
Rick with about 5 toothbrushes in his mouth tried to say thanks, but it came out as a low gurgling sound similar to Evelyn's.  
  
"Kill him!" Imhotep yelled at the mummies.   
  
"We are busy brushing his teeth Imhotep, sir." A mummy said looking up from his patient.   
  
Evelyn managed to push Anck off of her and Anck fell back and then looked curiously at the spectacle of five guards leaning over Rick each trying to insert a toothbrush into his mouth and Rick trying to talk but only managed to gurgle.  
  
"You can control them, Jon!" Evelyn yelled to Jon. "I think." She said also marveling at the toothbrushers.  
  
"I can?" Jon asked uncertain. Then a bright idea came to him when he saw Anck staring at the guards in amazement. After 3000 years she might need some dental treatment.  
  
Jon got up and Imhotep didn't stop him because he was just yelling "Kill him!" over and over pulling out the hair he didn't have.   
  
"Hey Mummies!" Jon yelled. They looked up curiously and stopped what they were doing.   
  
"I think Anck needs her teeth brushed. Why don't you go brush hers?"  
  
They all looked at each other confused and then over to Anck. She looked at them nervously.  
  
"I think we better listen to him." One mummy said.  
  
"Yeah. He makes more sense than Imhotep did."  
  
"Plus he knows his ABC's . . ."  
  
"Anyone who knows the ABC's must be smart . . ." Another guard said.  
  
"I wish I knew the ABC's . . ."  
  
"I know three letters of the ABC's. They are A, B, and C! Aren't I smart?"  
  
They all marveled at the mummy who said that.  
  
  
  
"Well?" Jon interrupted them. They always seemed to get off track. "Are you gonna be mice? Or dentist?"  
  
The mummies looked down at Rick.   
  
"I think his breath ought to be better now."   
  
"You can spit now!" A mummy ordered Rick.  
  
Rick who had nearly drowned by the toothpaste did as he was told. Saliva and toothpaste dribbled down his chin.  
  
The mummies all slunk toward Anck who looked up at them in fear.  
  
"Are you ready for your cleaning?"   
  
"I don't need my teeth brushed." Anck argued half afraid.  
  
"They sniffed near her mouth. "Yes you do. You're breath is almost as bad as his." They said pointing over to Rick. And with that they stalked closer to her. She backed up against the wall scared.  
  
  
"Wait no!" She yelled as they all bent over her and inserted their toothbrushes into her mouth and started brushing. Anck tried to scream but only managed to choke on the toothpaste and drowned and died . . . again.  
  
Imhotep looked over at her shocked!  
  
"I guess we should have told her to spit . . ." A guard said looking confused at Anck dead on the ground.  
  
Imhotep looked over at Jon and clasp his hand around Jon's neck and lifted him five feet into the air.  
  
Fortunately Rick, who knew how to use a sword a little better chopped at Imhotep's arm that was holding Jon's neck.  
  
It fell and Jon looked at it and quickly got away from the severed arm.  
  
Even Rick looked scared at what he just did.  
  
"Now he's a one armed mummy!" Jon said astonished.  
  
"Need an extra hand!" Jon continued and Imhotep looked over at Jon annoyed. The evil look Imhotep gave him shut him up.  
  
"I will kill you myself mortal." Imhotep announced to Rick.  
  
Rick somehow all the sudden understanding ancient Egyptian answered in English.  
  
"How? You only have one arm?"  
  
"Oh that?" Imhotep said shrugging and picked up his arm.  
  
"That was merely a flesh wound." He said and somehow magically fastened it back in the right place.  
  
Then with both arms he grabbed Rick and threw him backwards.  
  
Jon had meanwhile got up with something he had acquired from Imhotep's robes.   
  
"Evelyn, I've got it!" He yelled.  
  
"What?" Evelyn said not having any idea of what he was talking about.  
  
"My nightlight!" Jon said holding it up proudly. "Imhotep had my nightlight!"  
  
  
"We'll bring it over here so we can see this book and defeat the mummy!" Evelyn said fiddling with the book.   
  
They plugged Jon's nightlight into an outlet that just happened to be there and started turning pages of the book.  
  
Meanwhile Rick and Imhotep were wrestling in the Hamanatra Wrestling Tournament.  
  
"Keep him busy!" Evelyn instructed Rick. Rick who was getting thrown onto the floor and jumped onto answered wearily, "No Prob."  
  
"I call that Scarab Bite!" Imhotep yelled jumping on top of Rick digging his elbow into Rick's back.   
  
"And this is my own special move." Imhotep said lifting Rick from the floor. "It is called 'The Mummy's kiss'." Imhotep said opening his mouth really wide.  
  
"AHHHH!" Rick yelled. "He's gonna kiss me!"  
  
"No I'm not!" Imhotep assured. "That's just what the move is called. Now I will suck the life out of you like I did to your friends."  
  
By that time Evelyn had read some gobbily gook from the book. Imhotep suddenly felt a chill go through his body. He dropped Rick on the ground while Rick rubbed his now tender neck.   
  
Suddenly the room went dark and a chariot floated down the staircase. A man wearing a black hooded cloak was driving it. He stopped right next to Imhotep.   
  
"Are you Imhotep?" The hooded figure asked.  
  
"Yes." Imhotep said uncertain.  
  
"I'm here to pick up your immortality." The hooded figure said.  
  
"What for?" Imhotep said fearfully clutching at his chest.  
  
"I think it is time for some dry cleaning."  
  
"Oh." Imhotep said "In that case . . ." And took out a piece of paper with the word "immortality" written on it. "Here you go."   
  
The hooded figure extended his boney hand and clutched the piece of paper and it burned to a crisp.  
  
'Hey! You just burned my immortality!" Imhotep yelled.  
  
  
"I'm sorry sir, I forgot to tell you that you can only get your immortality dry cleaned once and we confiscate it after that."  
  
"Then what's the use of getting it dry cleaned in the first place?"  
  
"I'm not sure sir, but there can be no substitutions or refunds. If you have any complaints you'll have to take it up with the board of directors in hell."  
  
"I don't think I want to." Imhotep said fearfully.  
  
"OK sir. That will be 500 gold pieces."  
  
"But I don't have any gold pieces."  
  
"You can substitute your soul for the gold pieces if you like."  
  
"Oh, Ok then." And Imhotep took out another piece of paper with the word "Soul" written on it and gave it to the hooded figure.  
  
"Thank you sure it was nice doing business with you." And with that the chariot rode off. Imhotep focused his attention back to Rick and noticed everyone was staring at him surprised.  
  
"What?!" He asked.  
  
"You just sold your soul!" Evelyn answered in disbelief.  
  
"I did?" He said. "I did!" He realized and ran after the chariot yelling, "Wait. Come back! I didn't mean to give you my soul!"  
  
The chariot went through the wall and Imhotep tried to follow but couldn't and banged himself on the wall.  
  
One word came out of his mouth and it was, "Ouch!"  
  
Imhotep turned around angrily. "This is all your fault!" He ran after Rick vengefully. "You tricked me into selling my soul and dry cleaning my immortality."  
  
Rick dropped his sword and ran like a coward.  
  
"Rick!" Evelyn scolded. "Where are you going?"  
  
But Rick didn't have time to answer because Imhotep had tripped and fell onto the sword.  
  
"Ouch!" He said again and clutched his wound.  
  
Then he made all these noises like a rabid squirrel and fell into some water.  
  
"OHHHH!!!!!! OWWWWW! NOOOO! I can't die! I'm not supposed to die! I wasn't put in this story to die! WAS I? WAS I?"   
  
They all looked at him sympathetically.  
  
"I guess you were." Evelyn admitted.  
  
"Tough luck, Old Mum." Jon said waving to the mummy.  
  
The mummy began to rot and looked like he did when he first woke up.   
  
He sank waist deep into the water. "I did it for Jonny." He said.  
  
"WHAT!" Jon yelled shocked.  
  
Imhotep shook his head, "I meant to say, I did it for Anck!"  
  
And with that Rick, Evelyn, and Jon watched him sink into the water as he continued to rot.  
  
"That's what you get for staying out in the sun too long." Jon said uselessly.  
  
Suddenly the shapes of the guard's faces appeared in the water. "Ready for your torture Imhotep?" One of the water faces said. "That was only part of the Big Ouchy, the rest of your torture will begin down here."  
  
Then they pulled him under and the only thing they heard was "bubble, bubble." (Toil and trouble.)  
  
"That's what you get for being bad." Rick said.  
  
"That's what you get for stealing my nightlight!" Jon yelled.  
  
"That's what you get for telling me stupid bed time stories!" Evelyn said.  
  
"Bed time stories?" Jon asked. "How come I didn't get bed time stories?"  
  
"I'll read you some tonight Jon if you want."  
  
"With my nightlight?" Jon asked holding up his precious nightlight.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Didn't the mummy try and sacrifice you or some thing?" Rick asked scratching his head.  
  
"Oh yes. That's what you get for trying to sacrifice me, I think." Evelyn asked looking at the bubbling water.  
  
Suddenly Imhotep popped out of the water.  
  
"Ahh!" They all screamed and jumped back. You didn't expect Imhotep to die that easily did you?  
  
"I almost forgot to tell you something!" Imhotep said.  
  
"What?" Evelyn said snobbishly.  
  
  
"Will you just die already?" Jon said annoyed.  
  
"It was some poetry I though of while getting eaten alive by some scarabs thinking only of my beloved Anck."  
  
"OK. Let's hear it." Jon said still annoyed.  
  
"Um. What was it?" Imhotep said scratching his half empty head, because he had rotted again.  
  
"Oh yes! It was this: Death is only the Beginning."  
  
"That's it?" Jon asked in a mean way.  
  
Evelyn hit him.  
  
"What was that for?" Jon said surprised.  
  
"You couldn't even recite the alphabet!" Evelyn replied and then turned her attention to the mummy.  
  
"Does that mean there is a sequel?" She asked.  
  
Imhotep shrugged and fell back into the water making bubbling noises.  
  
"bub bub bub brrrbub."  
  
And they looked at the water pondering his words.  
  
"Ouch."   
  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
Don't worry. That's not the end. There are still more chapters to come. : )  
  
Thank you for reviewing my story but keep on reviewing and you can look forward to a sequel sometime in the future.  
  
Wonder what happened to Beni? Well you'll just have to wait till next chapter.  
  
: ) 


	27. Do not pull this lever. Push it instead...

Let's get this story over with already! I'll be sad to see it end though.  
  
  
Chapter 27: Do not pull this lever. Push it instead.  
  
  
  
So Imhotep was dead or asleep, as he would like you to believe. Anck, after having a disastrous dentist cleaning, choked on her own saliva and died for the final time (because she didn't come back alive again-Poor girl!). Rick, Jon, and Evelyn were left to look in wonder not knowing what to do next.   
  
"I wonder where the guards went?" Jon wondered seeing that the mummy guards had mysteriously disappeared.   
  
Rick, Evelyn, and Jon were just standing there for a minute after Imhotep had sunk in the water a second time. Then out of the water, the mummy popped again. They all yelped in surprise a second time jumping away from the animated corpse of a mummy.  
  
"Will you die already!" Rick mumbled.  
  
Imhotep held up his hands sheepishly. "I have one more thing to say."  
  
Jon tapped his foot impatiently.  
  
"First you whine about how you were only in this story to die. Then about how it's all Anck's fault. Then you tell us something about Death being the beginning of something. What else do you need to tell us?" Jon asked slightly agitated.  
  
"I have to tell you this. . ." Imhotep pulled out some sunglasses and placed it over his eyes.   
  
". . . I'll be back!"   
  
Then he again sunk into the dirty water holding his thumbs up this time.  
  
"So there is a sequel!" Evelyn gasped. Then she screamed, "Nooooooooooo!" The word echoed throughout Hamanatra.   
  
"What was that for?" Rick asked.  
  
Evelyn shrugged. "I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time."  
  
  
_________  
  
  
Meanwhile Beni had been out of this wonderful story for a while so the author decided to bring him back. Beni had been greedily swimming through the pile of gold like a duck named Scrooge. He had covered himself in golden chains while laughing hysterically. He had even traded his jester shoes for some very uncomfortable golden slippers.  
  
Eventually he got the bright idea of taking the gold out of Hamanatra and selling it so that he could be rich. "I'm a genius!" He congratulated himself.   
  
He decided that he would use the gold so that he could live in a golden house with a golden wind up mouse. He would have golden boxes and golden foxes.   
  
"Who needs Imhotep!" Beni announced. He could get along by himself! He decided to leave the mummy and follow his new companion: his gold. The only thing he regretted was not being able to date Anck's sister as Imhotep had promised. "Oh well." He shrugged. He could always use his gold to get a golden girl.  
  
He began gathering as much gold as possible and stuffing it into his black bag. "This is even better than stealing Rick's guns or Jon's nightlight." He thought with glee.   
  
After he had scrunched as many gold items into the bag as he could scrunch, he began to drag it outside of Hamanatra. It took a while for him to drag it out outside, but eventually he did manage it. Then he went back to get a second load.  
  
As he was dragging this second load outside he stopped to rest inside this room. After all, he was just a little guy and was dragging many pounds of gold. He leaned against the wall and saw a lever. Next to the lever he saw a sign which said in Egyptian: "Do not pull this lever."   
  
Immediately suspicious of the lever Beni jumped away from it in fright. Yet he did wonder what would happen if he pulled it.  
  
To pull or not to pull: That was the question. He stared at the lever for a long time debating with himself. He was so curious to know what would happen upon the pulling of the lever. Perhaps it would open a room to more gold?   
  
Just then he saw that some dust and cobwebs were coving up the lower half of the sign. He brushed it away revealing some more words on the sign.  
  
It now said: "Do not pull this lever. Push it instead." He shrugged and pushed it downward.  
  
Just as he pushed the lever downward the whole city of Hamanatra began shaking. Beni looked around wondering what he had done.   
  
A female voice came from a speaker in the corner of the room near the ceiling announcing, "Attention all living inhabitants of Hamanatra. This city is now sinking into the sand. Please exit the city in an orderly fashion quickly and have a nice day. We hope you enjoyed your stay at Hamanatra, City of the Dead."  
  
Beni you can't do everything a sign says to do! If it said to jump off a bridge would you do it?  
  
He looked around fearfully and realized that perhaps his life was in danger. What do you think? 


	28. Dinner and a date.

Chapter 28: Dinner and a date!  
  
  
Rick, Evelyn, and Jon looked around fearfully as the city of Hamanatra began to sink into the ground. Rick ran toward a corner away from the exit of Hamanatra.  
  
"Where are you going?" Evelyn yelled.  
  
"To get my guns!" Rick yelled back.   
  
Evelyn ran after him and grabbed him buy the neck of his shirt.   
  
"We don't have time. This place could collapse at any moment!" Evelyn said and pulled him to the door with the Exit sign over it.  
  
They ran through the library. Jon tripped over the tiny statue of Horus and dropped 'The Guide on how to kill Mummies and stop the Apocalypse, volume 109.'   
  
"You dropped the book!" Evelyn yelled and finally remembered they were in a library. She stopped and looked around with a dazed look.   
  
"Come on Evelyn!" Rick said grabbing her. "If I don't get my guns, you don't get your books."  
  
"But this place has generations of information on ancient Egypt!"   
  
But Rick picked her up and carried her on his shoulder and out of the library.   
  
Next they came to the Magic Graveyard Hamanatra bar.  
  
Jon stopped and said, "Can we just . . . '  
  
"NO!" Both Rick and Evelyn yelled at the same time and managed to drag him away from the bar.  
  
Finally they came to the room full of gold where Beni was trying to drag his sack of gold outside. Jon attempted to help him drag it, but Rick yelled, "Last one outside is a rotten egg!"  
  
  
Jon ran after Rick and Evelyn not wanting to be a rotten egg.   
  
Another great idea popped into Beni's head. What was the use of gold if he was trapped inside Hamanatra? Besides he had some outside already. So he ran after the other three thinking to himself, "I'm a genius!"  
  
"Vait for me!" He yelled after them. For some reason, he had this strange notion that they would all stop and truly wait for him. But much to his disappointment, they did not.   
  
The door was beginning to close on them. Rick got to it first and helped Evelyn through. Then he followed after her and turned to help Jon.  
  
"Come on Beni!" Rick said as Beni tried to sprint to the shutting door. Unfortunately, he had traded his light jester shoes for hard and heavy golden ones, inhibiting his running abilities. It also didn't help to have so many golden chains around his neck.   
  
In other words, he didn't make it to the door on time and was stuck on the other side.   
  
"Good bye Beni." Rick said remorsefully. "Some good times we had together."  
  
Beni, mad that he hadn't gotten to the other side, cursed in Hungarian. Mad at the other's advantage of making it out of the city, he kicked the door in frustration. Then he turned around and realized that all the gold was still there. He smiled greedily and forgot about his misfortune for a moment.  
  
"Hey Rick!" He yelled through the walls. "Looks like I got all the gold!"   
  
Rick who heard it smiled sadly and answered back, "Hey Beni! Looks like you are on the wrong side of the wall! Goodbye Beni!" And with that said he left.  
  
Beni whimpered as the city fell beneath the ground with him still inside it. It soon became dark because the light switch wouldn't work. When a city falls beneath the sands there does tend to be electrical problems. Beni still somehow found an unlit torch and then somehow managed to light it.  
  
He swung the torch around and then realized if he swung it around fast enough he could write his name. He was having fun doing this for a while until he heard a noise.   
  
Poor Beni didn't hear just any noise. But a bug like noise. He tried to see if there were any bugs but couldn't. All he saw was gold, which didn't seem to glitter as much as it did before.   
  
Then he caught sight of a lone bug on top of a golden statue.   
  
"Are you hear to steal our gold which we have guarded for 5000 years?" The bug asked in a squeaky voice.   
  
"Um . . . No." Beni lied, hoping the bug wouldn't notice he was wearing a whole bunch of gold chains on his neck.   
  
"I don't believe you." The bug said and called its friends.  
  
"We're gonna eat you." It announced happily.  
  
"Vait!" Beni cried waving his arms around wildly.   
  
"I'm with Imhotep! As long as I'm with him, I am immune!"  
  
"We don't like Imhotep. He ate our leader. Besides he's dead."  
  
Beni whimpered scared, thinking this just might be the end. But he had a few more ideas to get out of being eaten. Too bad he didn't remember that it isn't a good idea to try and reason with bugs.  
  
He chanted the Lord's prayer, but that didn't seem to have any affect on the bugs. They began to creep up to him, enclosing him in a circle with no where to run.  
  
He chanted in Chinese, Aramaic, and Hebrew, but still the bugs stalked him. It had saved him once from the mummy, but didn't seem to be working now.  
  
"All I wanted was a date with Anck's sister!" He finally muttered and with that the bugs stopped in their tracks.   
  
"You wanted to date a girl?" The bug on the statue asked.  
  
"Yes." Beni squeaked wondering what that had to do with anything. The bugs were silent for a moment and seemed to be contemplating something.  
  
Then the bug on the statue said, "Well, I'm a girl. You can date me."  
  
"Um. No thank you." Beni said in a polite yet squeaky voice. Even though he had never dated a bug, he didn't really want to now.  
  
"We bugs, don't take no for an answer!" The bug on the statue announced. Then yelled to her friends, "Come on girls! We got dinner and a date!"  
  
Then they all rushed after Beni and began to chomp on him.  
  
Ouch.  
  
_________  
  
  
Outside Evelyn, Rick, and Jon watched as the city disappeared into the sand that left them out in the middle of no where, well in the desert anyway.  
  
"What a waste that was!" Jon complained. "We didn't get a single piece of gold or the recipe for that unique tasting beer they sell in the Magic Graveyard Hamanatra Bar. I miss that beer already." None of them saw the big sled attached to the camels with a big black bag full of gold, sort of like Santa's sleigh.   
  
"I wouldn't say it was a total waste." Rick said romantically. Evelyn, thinking he was talking about her leaned over and kissed him because he had minty fresh breath thanks to the guards.   
  
"You're so sweet Mr. O' Connoll."   
  
Rick, who had really been talking about his precious Pea Shooter gun, which he had grabbed on the way out, simply kissed his gun and ignored Evelyn's advances.  
  
Evelyn, who didn't realize the mistake she had made, decided right then and there that they should be married. She looked around to find a priest or a church, but was disappointed to see just sand.  
  
She kissed Rick again and this time steam came out of his ears. Evelyn simply laughed and began kissing him all over his face, leaving lipstick all over him.   
  
"Oh please." Jon muttered. "Get a room." And then he realized that it was impossible to get anything out here in the desert.   
  
He was sad that he didn't have a girl and turned to the camel for support. "How about you and me ol' girl? Will you be my make-out partner?"  
  
The camel simply burped sending a cloud of bad breath his way.   
  
"Phew!" Jon said waving his hand in front of his face. "You're lucky those mummy guards didn't get you."  
  
Suddenly a hand came out of no where and grabbed Jon by the shoulder. He jumped 16 feet into the air and landed with a thud. He turned to see that it was only Are.   
  
"You didn't have to scare me like that!"   
  
"But it was fun!" Are said smiling.  
  
"How was the arm wrestling?" Rick asked Are.  
  
"I won!" Are said proudly showing off a silver amulet with the picture of an arm muscle on it. "After I won, the mummies got mad and simply exploded. Then I waited here for you. Took you long enough! But I did find some new additions to our troops." Are explained and there behind him stood the mummy guards.  
  
  
"He is descendant from us after all." One of the mummies said.   
  
So Are left them and went off with his new friends. Evelyn, Rick, and Jon took these camels that had stayed there from the very beginning of the trip and had surprisingly not ran off upon the sinking of the city. They rode off into the sunset and still didn't notice the sled full of gold being pulled behind them.  
  
(Star Wars music plays in the back ground. Then a screeching record noise is heard. Then it is replace by Mummy music and the story ends here.)  
  
[Wait! We are still not finished! What about the credits? Or a curtain call? Or special features? Or whatever you want to call it. Stay tuned for these things my faithful followers and have a mummified day.] 


	29. Curtain Call

Chapter 29: Curtain Call  
  
  
And now for the curtain call. Imagine a curtain opening up and the entire cast of this story taking a bow. Or you can imagine the end of a movie and the actor's name flashing downwards on your TV. (Don't forget the cast party!)   
  
Now introducing each wonderful, yet fictitious (Shh! Don't tell them.) characters. Each of them will lend their own special comments so just sit back, audience, and let the characters entertain you!  
  
*First introducing our usual heroes of the story: Rick, Evelyn, Jon and Are.  
  
Rick makes some sort of speech that nobody hears because the microphones are messed up. He ends it with "I miss my guns." And walks of the stage. Everyone claps. Yeah!  
  
Evelyn with a lovey-dovey look on her face attempts to take a bow and plops onto her face tearing the curtain and causing a domino effect on the stage with microphones and stuff falling on the floor. "Whoops." She says and continues to have the lovey-dovey look and walks of stage. (Not before falling flat on her face again.)  
  
Jon, as drunk as could be, raises a beer and says, "I'll toast to that!" Then the curtain falls on him.  
  
Are bows without any misfortune and announces, "Because everyone gets confused anyway, I'm combining my first and middle name. I will no longer be known as Are, but as Ardeth like everybody calls me anyway." The audience claps and for some reason gives him this bird. He named it Horus because it was as big as the statue they had found in Hamanatra. Though Jon always thought he was saying Hoars-R-Us or (clears throat) Whores-R-Us. Either Ardeth's accent got in the way or Jon just had a strange mind, because to his ears he always heard that. "I'm the only smart one here!" Ardeth says smacking his forehead.  
  
  
  
*Then our duo pair of villains walk on the stage with a bunch of booing following their entrance. Well there was one person in the audience cheering. Was it you?  
  
Imhotep begins by saying, "I will arise again and perhaps I just might steal your eyeballs and bring about the real apocalypse!"  
  
Anck (sweet girl she is), interrupts him, "What are you talking about? You know I'm the one who has to do everything! I'll be the one to raise YOU, since you still haven't learned how to do it!" (Never mind about the sweet girl thing, 5000 years must have made her bitter.)   
  
  
Suddenly Imhotep felt a little pinprick as a tiny bullet was shot at him by Jon who had gotten a hold of Rick's only gun, the Pea-Shooter. Imhotep was about to choke him again but the omnipotent cat came and scared both the mummies away. But not before the mummies got to take their bows and shut themselves in coffins again. Or sarcophaguses, whereever mummies hang out these days besides the Hamanatra bar.  
  
Then the cat played another song on the piano. This time I believe she played chopsticks along with flashing lights and her friends, The Dancing Cats. Even he rats that don't talk came out and did a jig or two. Look at that! Cats and Rats!  
  
Next the Band-Aid club came out and started a band. They sang something about forever not being long enough, I think. Then they all took their bow. The poor guy who lost his glasses, eyes, tongue and ultimately his life on this adventure, bowed first.   
  
Then the nice suspicious or superstitious guy, (My favorite character in this story by the way.) came on stage. He was decked out in rabbit feet and silly good luck charms. He took an elaborate bow and began to walk of the stage. Unfortunately he accidentally knocked down a mirror (Which just happened to be there) and broke it. It broke in 13 pieces. Believe me, he spent the time to count them. Then his salt shaker fell out of his pocket and he got so scared he fell off the stage. No one ever saw him again. Unfortunately (or fortunately for himself), he was dead. And he stayed dead too.  
  
Then a guy came out holding a Bourbon. He distributed it out to all the audience along with a Bourbon Chaser and a shot of Bourbon with one of those little umbrella thingys. Jon almost lost his mind and was about to hug the guy who remembered the alcohol, but fell over drunk instead.   
  
Finally the final guy who belongs to the Band-Aid club took his bow and everyone clapped but forgot about him the next second because he didn't have a name. In fact all the guys who stole Anck's Sacred Golden Band-Aids weren't important enough to have names. Because we all know they were only in this story to die. Back to the grave you go, tough guys!  
  
Another person we must all hold in our memory is Jimbo Bob, the homeless guy. We will always remember the valiant guy who somehow learned to fly an airplane even though Rick found him on the streets. The following is a song written for him and all those who are in Homeless guy heaven,  
  
"One evening when the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning  
Down the tracks came a hobo hiking, and he said boys I'm not turning.  
I'm headed to a land that's far away besides the crystal fountain.  
So come with me, we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy mountain.  
  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.  
There's a land that's far and bright  
Where the jinn does grow on bushes.  
And you sleep out every night.  
Where the boxcars all are empty,  
And the sun shines everyday.  
All the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees,  
The lemonade springs and the Bluebirds sing  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.  
  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain,  
All the cops have wooden legs  
And the Bulldogs all have rubber teeth   
And the Hens lay soft-boiled eggs  
The Farmers trees are full of fruit   
And the barns are full of hay  
Oh I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow  
Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow.  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.  
  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain  
You never change your socks  
And little streams of alcohol   
Come trickling down the rocks  
The Brakemen have to tip their hats   
And the Railroad bulls are blind  
There's a lake of stew and of Whiskey too  
You can paddle all around them in a big canoe  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain  
  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains  
The Jails are made of tin  
And you can walk right out of them   
As soon as you are in  
There ain't no short handle shovels  
Nor axes, saws, or picks  
I'm going to stay where you sleep all day  
Where they hung the jerk that invented work  
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain!"  
  
  
  
Perhaps we should also remember the Curator or the Librarian guy that also died, but he didn't even have a name and he didn't get to bow because I didn't want him too.  
  
The pharaoh died too. There he is bowing for his dramatized death. There you are clapping for him. Done? Ok.  
  
Beni got to come out and take a bow. He came out with all the bugs. The only word that came out of his mouth was, "Eeeeee." (If you consider that a word anyway.) Rick came up on stage to pat him on the back but he ran away screaming. The bugs crawled all over the stage but were careful not to eat anyone because someone told them not to. They even got to bow but no one knew they were bowing because they were bugs and one can never tell when it comes to bugs. Give it up for the bugs!  
  
Also give it up to the 101 guards who Rick defeated single handedly. They didn't come out on stage because they are still out there guarding.  
  
And last but no least the many variety of mummies used on the making of this story. There are the original Pharaoh guards, who became tired of guarding for 5000 years and became dentist instead. Hurry! They are giving out free toothbrushes. Get a free one today! They all came out on stage and gave a long lecture on how good it is to keep your teeth clean. They showed off their own rotting teeth as an example to unbelievers. Then they began to talk about how their breath stinks. But we won't get into that.  
  
Imhotep's groupies who had hung out with Jon and lost to Are in the Arm Wrestling contest got a short time on stage. Let's see a short replay of that arm wrestling contest . . .  
  
[The following is the broadcast of Are versus the mummies in the famous arm wrestling contest.]   
  
. . .There' s Are (now known as Ardeth) wrestling one of the mummies. Are doesn't seem to be having much trouble. Yep. The mummies gonna lose! Whoops. His arm broke off. The mummy's arm, not Are's. Are wins! The mummy loses. The mummies got so mad that there heads popped off and they exploded into dust. Yeah! Go Ardeth!  
  
Then all the mummies linked arms and did the can-can across the stage. Whoa! Look at them go . . .  
  
"Dun Dun dundundundun, Dun Dun dundundundun, Dun Dun Dun, dadadada, DaDaDaDaDaDaDa."  
  
They stood in the back while Anck and Imhotep came out arguing about how to raise themselves from the dead next time. Of course the heroes came after them riding camels. Don't ask me how they fit on stage. Jon had fed (or watered) his camel alcohol, which made it stumble too and fro. (Don't worry, no camels were hurt in the making of this.)  
  
Then all the people who died got to come up on stage. (That includes everybody else, right?) Of course we can't forget the towns people who were under the influence of Imhotep's spiked beer. The whole story cast took a group bow and the party was over-much to Jon's disappointment.   
  
Everyone was clapping as this group took the final bow. Then everyone on stage all started clapping for you . . . Go to the next chapter to get your little taste of fame.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
I think I did pretty good in this story according to my 121 (and rising) reviews. Hopefully I'll do just as well on the next story, "A Girl Named Evie." Look for it soon coming to a computer near you. But for now, let me thank those who have been faithful followers of this mummy parody and made this story possible. Without you this story would not have stayed alive.  
~  
  
Does the author get to bow? Well here I am bowing to you the reviewer. And go to the next chapter now to get your own bow in. 


	30. Dedicated to the Reviewers

Chapter 30: Dedicated to the Reviewers  
  
Here it is, the last and final chapter. I'll be sad to see this story over. Oh well. This chapter is dedicated to you oh reviewers. If you reviewed at least twice you got mentioned. Heh, heh.  
  
The following people have made this fanfiction possible:  
  
NumerUnoFan: What can I say? She was my Number One Fan. Thanks mom.  
  
Adro13: He was my proofreader for this. Thank you Mr. Adro13. Even if I made you mad at times, at least you still read it!  
  
KatieScarlet: I believe she gets the reward for most reviews. Thank you for your wonderful comments. They were great! Look! Jon's toasting to you!  
  
AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion: Thanks for your comments! (She's a great writer herself by the way.) Because of your kindness you get a free ride on Imhotep Sandstorm 5000! Have fun and enjoy the ride.  
  
Marcher: You deserve praise too. You get a gift certificate to the Hamanatra gift store. If you can dig your way to it anyway. Sorry you didn't like the bugs talking. Heh, heh.  
  
Mbrooker: Also a constant reviewer. I'd send you the video version of my little spoof if it was ever made. Wouldn't that be funny?  
  
K@mikaze Katie: How could I forget her! And her cat Phantom? Why I have a whole story dedicated to you and your kitty! But here is a backstage pass to the Cat's next concert as well as a sound recording. : )  
  
MarxBros: This person was laughing all the way through my story. Glad you enjoyed it. I see you enjoyed the guy falling off the windshield. Good Gag, eh?  
  
Lock: (Well her name used to be Anck-su-namun and then it was Xyber.) Thanks for your reviews and I'll look to your works for inspiration!  
  
Poizonous lozer: Somebody else who changed their name. I don't remember who they were before but thanks for your reviews anyway if you ever see this.   
  
Buffelyn: How can I forget this girl? She is currently writing a very good story. You should read it some time. Thank you Buff! (Can I call you Buff?)  
  
Christine Persephone: What a wonderful reviewer! She came in near the end, but we still like her!  
  
Lener: She's so nice. She reviews all my other stories that nobody else reads. Thank you for reviewing and also not being scared by my eccentrics.  
  
Litehawk: He writes wonderful stories for fantasy! They are so packed with detail and culture. Thanks for reviewing sir.  
  
Deana: LOL. This girl likes to LOL a lot. Thanks dear. LOL. : )  
  
And that seems to be it. If I missed you and you reviewed more than once I'm sorry and will devote a whole chapter to you to make up for it. It gets kinda confusing looking through the reviews even though they have it now that you can look through each chapter by reviews.  
  
Also I'd like to make a little note here. I realize that I did spell things like Hamanatra and O' Connor wrong. At least I kept the Hamanatra consistent throughout the whole story. So I hope you don't mind. I also changed the events from the story to fit into my parody (Obviously). Nobody complained much. It was supposed to be a parody after all. Now onto my next story. Hopefully it will be as good as this one.   
  
: ) 


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